The Perfect Woman
by idioticonion
Summary: A series of stories, each one inspired by an episode of How I Met Your Mother Season 4 starting, not surprisingly, with Episode 1.
1. Chapter 1

The perfect woman (Episode 1, Do I know you?)

"I'm marrying the perfect woman!" Ted announced, covering his mouth as he belched. He took another long swig of his beer. "I'm marrying a woman who loves Star Wars!"

Ted, Marshall and Barney were seated in their regular booth at McLaren's. It was getting perilously near to last call and they were all pretty wasted. The celebration had started early.

"To the perfect woman! To STAR WARS!" Marshall saluted Ted with his beer. Both Ted and Barney clinked their bottles together in a show of solidarity.

"The perfect woman…" Marshall repeated with a sigh. "The perfect woman is beautiful, loving, caring and generous," he said. Ted and Barney both nodded emphatically. "She'll look after you, even when you've lost your job."

Barney snorted. "Oh come on! How many times have I got to offer to help out, Marshall?"

Marshall waved his hand at Barney. "Dude, I've got an interview on Monday. I don't need your help." When Barney's face fell, he quickly backtracked. "Yet… Hey, brother. If this one goes south, I'll be knocking on your door."

Ted was waving his beer around, looking slightly cross-eyed. "You left one thing out, Marshall. The perfect woman is _intelligent_!"

Barney snorted, practically choking on his beer. "You have _got_ to be kidding me!"

Marshall laughed. "Oh now… now… I know you like smart women, Barney. Don't say it's not a turn on." Ted made noises of agreement.

Barney laughed. "When I'm banging a chick, conversation's, like, the last thing on my mind. KnowwhatImeanMarshall?" He grinned, raising his hand and getting a reluctant high-five from his friend.

Ted shrugged. "Well, I kind of know what you mean." Marshall looked horrified. "Well, you know! Stella and I don't really talk so much."

Barney gave Ted a lecherous wink. "I always thought that Stella had something of the bimbo about her!"

Marshall rolled his eyes. "You're both disgusting!"

"Oh come on, Marshall, don't be such a pussy. You know Ted was only joking…" Barney winced suddenly, clutching his side and causing Ted to sit up and Marshall to half-rise to his feet.

"Are you okay, Dude?" Marshall asked, anxiously.

Barney waved him away, scowling. "I'm fine! Jesus. Come on. It's just heartburn. I told you. Will you stop treating me like I'm an invalid? I haven't had any trouble in weeks now!"

Marshall frowned at him. "Barney, you don't have to be brave about it. Do you have your meds?"

Barney gave Marshall a withering look. "What are you, my mother?"

Ted turned towards him. "Barney, Marshall's right. You were in a major accident, like, three months ago. Your physiotherapist says it's a miracle that you're walking around at all."

"It's a miracle I'm still sitting here listening to you two. If I wanted a three way, there are a couple of real girls over at the bar there…" He stuck his thumb out at the general direction of the bar, not turning around.

"They left, like a half hour ago!" Marshall laughed.

Barney looked surprised and glanced over to check. "Damn." He let out a bark of laughter. "Well, that's another thing to add to your list of the perfect woman, Marshall. She's got to stick around. The worst ones are the ones that reel you in and then leave you hanging." He sighed wistfully.

Ted grinned. "You struck out with a few girls lately?"

Barney cocked his head. "So asks Mr Married here!"

Ted laughed. "Not yet, my man. But soon… very soon."

Barney caught Marshall's slight look of disapproval and thought "Interesting…!"

"Well, Barney can get turned down by hot, intelligent women any night of the week." Marshall said, getting reluctantly to his feet. "I've got a woman upstairs who'll tan my hide if I don't get to bed before she falls asleep."

Barney looked interested. "Oh really? I always had Aldrin down as a dominatrix. I think it's the hair…"

Marshall laughed. "Barney, stop lusting after my wife! You're just jealous."

Ted got up to leave too. "I'm jealous. Jealous that your woman is upstairs and I've had too much to drink to even think about making the trip out to New Jersey tonight."

"Get to bed, old people." Barney said, although he followed them out of the bar. "Later, suckers!"

As Marshall and Ted made their unsteady way up to their apartment, Barney stood in the street, breathing in great lung-fulls of ozone-filled air and trying to sober up enough to hit another bar. He didn't feel much like spending the night alone lately.


	2. Bad Dreams

Bad Dreams (Episode 2, The Best Burger In New York)

Barney hadn't been able to sleep properly since the accident.

He tried to fill his days and nights as best he could:

* Gym three times a day to stop his body seizing up.

* Shrink three times a week to stop his mind from seizing up.

* Days spent catching up with three months worth of missed work and those pesky new banking regulations.

* Evenings spent in forced-normality with his friends.

* Nights spent drawing up increasingly implausible plans to pick up women.

All of these things were starting not to work. His life was becoming a kind of grey nightmare of insomnia, panic attacks and exhaustion.

"Talk me down, Doc!" He said, flopping down onto the sofa in Doctor Grossbard's office. "Talk me down."

The doctor sighed and rolled his eyes. Barney had never been in therapy in his life before the accident. They'd forced him to start seeing Doctor Grossbard at the hospital and, being mostly bedridden with no-one to talk to, had actually found the experience a whole lot of fun and a great distraction from the crippling pain and drug frenzy that had been his waking nightmare during that first month. Now these sessions were becoming a crutch and, if he was honest with himself, Barney blamed the good doctor for his sudden outbreak of feelings recently.

It probably wasn't ever a good idea to examine himself this closely.

"What's wrong this time, Mr Stinson?" His psychologist asked, getting out his notebook and pen.

Barney sighed dramatically. "Everything! Regis keeps talking to me at the gym and that's just… distracting! The guy's a menace! The Koreans want me to go to this week-long conference and I haven't flown since the accident. What if they confiscate my pain meds? I can't sleep still. I've got this idea for a pick up - lesbians! It's practically impossible! But I know I can do it if I could just work out the kinks. Heh. Kinks." He chuckled.

Dr Grossbard nodded patiently through Barney's stream of verbal diarrhoea. "Everything is getting on top of you again because your mind needs to rest. Did you take the sleeping pills?"

Barney rolled his eyes and scoffed.

"Mr Stinson, you were given those for a reason."

"If I take them then I just have bad dreams and I wake up in a cold sweat! It's worse than not sleeping at all!" Barney protested.

The doctor tapped his pen against his chin. "Tell me about the dreams."

Barney opened his mouth, but no words came. He closed it again. Then he opened it again. His expression twisted in comical confusion.

"Are they about Miss Scherbatsky again?" The doctor asked him with a patient smile.

Barney crossed his arms angrily. "I'm paying you a _lot_ of money not to say her name."

"I didn't say her first name," The doctor chuckled softly.

Barney glared at him.

"So the dreams _are_ about her?"

Barney let out a frustrated, strangled yell. "I can't help it! The more I try and not think about her, the more she seems to worm her way into my brain!" It was true. For example, on their recent escapade to find Marshall's favourite burger, they'd all been joking around and she'd muttered "I want you inside me…" (to the burger, not to him, he had to remind himself). Those words had streamed across the table like a cruise missile and set off an explosion in his brain. Now, every time he closed his eyes and tried to get some sleep, Robin was there, haunting him, always naked, always on her back beneath him and always murmuring those words in his ear. And yet in his dreams he couldn't move - he was still immobilised by the casts, the pain in his limbs, the fractured memories of the accident…

It was really, really annoying.

There had to be a way to get her out of his system, surely? The trouble is, there simply wasn't enough time in the day to increase his dosage of bimbos any further. Goliath National Bank had even got him working weekends.

"It's because you're trying so hard not to think about her," Dr Grossbard said. "The human mind doesn't work like that. You have to confront your feelings for her if you are going to be able to sleep."

Hmm, perhaps that was it? Barney wondered if he somehow just needed to get Robin out of his system? If he slept with her in real life, she might stop bugging his sub-conscious. "Maybe," he drawled. "I could give that a try, Doc. Thanks."

Dr Grossbard looked surprised and scribbled something in his notebook. "That's excellent, Barney. I think you're really making progress."

Barney got to his feet, grabbing the back of the leather sofa to steady himself. He sighed. "And what do I do about Regis?" He asked.

Dr Grossbard laughed. "There are plenty of other gyms in New York."

Barney grinned. "But he keeps texting me!"

"Maybe he just wants a friend? We all need friendship, Barney."

Barney gave him a thin smile. "Sure we do, Doc. Sure we do." He held up his hand as he headed out the door. "Later!"

"See you on Monday, Barney," The doctor yelled out after him.


	3. Pros and Cons

Pros and Cons (Episode 3, I heart New Jersey)

[[Note: This is a multimedia story

[[Barney's note can be found on photobucket,

[[- remove the spaces from the web address below-

[[i236. photobucket. com /albums /ff231/a1tiptop /prosandcons .jpg.]]

Barney sat looking at his computer for about half an hour, not really seeing the screen, his fingers hovering over the keyboard. The buzz of the intercom startled him and he realised that it had gotten dark outside while he'd been staring into space.

"Mr Stinson, unless there's anything else you need, I'll be heading off."

"Yeah," he drawled with false bravado, into the mic, "No problem. Sure." The line went dead and he tore himself away from the computer, twirling a pen in his fingers and letting it dance lightly across his knuckles.

She was going to Japan.

She was really going.

And it was probably his fault.

His brain seemed to get stuck on that thought. It had frozen and didn't seemed to be able free itself. Frustrated, he began to doodle on a sheet of freshly delivered GNB headed paper until he'd filled the page with nightmarish images. He tore off the top page, took a deep breath, and began to write.

[[ image of note ]]

Barney sat back, looked down at his handiwork and rolled his eyes. The page soon joined the previous one in the trash can.


	4. Au Revoir

Au Revoir (Episode 4: Intervention)

There was something about waking up at four in the morning, something about the chill of the night air and the quiet streets. It always made Robin shiver, her eyes always felt gritty and her brain felt sluggish. Not that Metro News One had called on her very often to drag herself out of her bed at such an ungodly hour. But she'd had the occasional trip out of New York to follow a story and so the experience was familiar enough not to totally freak her out.

Even so… standing outside her now-empty apartment in Brooklyn, waiting for her cab, things felt very weird indeed. She couldn't face a tearful goodbye - it just wasn't her style. She, Robin Scherbatsky, did not do "sappy". So when Marshall had offered to drive her to the airport, Robin had told him her flight was in two day's time. She'd be in her _new_ apartment by then. Her new Tokyo apartment.

Robin's fingers clutched her carry-on bag, perched on top of a large suitcase. Crap! What was she doing? She didn't want to do this by herself. Why had she lied to Marshall? She didn't want to leave without saying goodbye.

She bit her lip, the cold night air stinging her cheeks as a tear dislodged from the corner of her eye. The night felt oppressive suddenly. Almost menacing.

And then the cab pulled up and she took a deep breath, hauling her case around to the trunk.

She was extraordinarily surprised to see Barney in the cab, waiting for her, the Intervention Banner draped over his lap. He beamed at her and patted the empty seat beside him.

"Come on. Let's get you to Japan."

She slid in next to him, still shivering. He put his arm around her shoulders and drew her in close. For a second it felt weird but then she began to relax and let the sheer familiarity of him calm her - his body heat, his breath ruffling her hair, even his scent (he always smelled like money to her, if money smelled like cigars and scotch and other women's perfume…).

"How did you know…?" She asked him, not even sure if she meant about how she'd lied to Marshall about her flight or about how she so desperately needed some company on the way to the airport.

"Please," He whispered.

He didn't talk to her, didn't pester her. In the short ride to the airport, he did absolutely nothing except be there for her. And weirdly, that was enough. It was enough to get the excitement bubbling up inside her again.

She was actually doing it. She was going to Japan! She was going to freaking _Japan_! Oh my god!

At the airport, he kissed her on the cheek and made her promise not to forget about them.

As if!

She hadn't cried. Okay, perhaps a couple of tears, but she'd straightened her shoulders and he'd flashed her a grin and she'd headed out to the departure gate feeling ten feet tall.

This was the start of the rest of her life.


	5. The Way It Had To Happen

The Way It Had To Happen (Episode 5: Shelter Island)

Barney sat bold upright on the bed with a gasp. He staggered to his feet, almost losing his balance as his legs threatened to give way. Somehow he made it to the door and clung to it as the room span around him.

What the f-?

The bedclothes were straight and neat, if every-so-slightly rumpled from where he'd been lying a moment ago. His hands balled into fists, and he brought them up to his forehead, rubbing it with his knuckles.

Only just now he'd been on that bed (naked, sweaty) with some chick (Stella's sister) panting with post-coital (and very, very non-vegan)…

Oh god…

He breathed in hard. He could smell his own aftershave - oddly fresh. Something _really_ weird was happening.

Only a moment ago he'd been on that bed, limbs all tangled up with Nora's and he'd been screaming inside his own mind. He'd been screaming _her_ name…

Oh Robin…

And he'd wished (fervently, like he was nine years old or something) that he'd _not_ done this. Not sabotaged his chance to get (win?) Robin. He'd hated himself. He's asked (God?) to take it all back.

Now, a second after, he'd woken up to weirdness - fully-clothed weirdness. Perhaps the mistake of Nora was more serious than he'd supposed. He'd thought he'd judged her correctly on the hot/crazy scale but perhaps he'd had "want to have sex with her" blindness? Had she drugged him? Put all his clothes back on? If so, why? Perhaps Nora didn't want Stella to know? Was there a sisters code? Had they violated it? He wouldn't be surprised...

But Barney Stinson was not given to self pity and told himself sternly to get over it, get back down to the party, (apologise to Ted - always good to come clean) and go find Robin.

He felt much better until he checked his watch.

*--*--*

Barney didn't believe that Nora was the sort of chick who'd take the trouble to set his watch back an hour. But he'd been wrong before - so he went and found the nearest clock in the bar. Sure enough, it agreed with his own. He'd lost a whole hour! Well, strictly speaking, he'd _gained_ an hour.

He smirked. Time travel? Please! There must be a rational explanation for it.

Someone tapped him on the shoulder and he almost jumped out of his skin. It was Nora - looking exactly the same as when he'd first seen her - dress, boob-shaped-boobs, shiny hair, eager expression… Now, if only he didn't know about that tattoo on her inner thigh, he'd believe he'd dreamed the whole thing.

Time to test that theory.

"I wondered where you'd gone, lover boy!" She announced. "Ten minutes and counting! And you'd better be as good as I've been told you are." She said, as if she hadn't been moaning his name not ten minutes before! "I really need some serious distraction right-"

He leaned in and whispered something in her ear.

She went pale, stuttered, and said, "How in the hell did you..?", thought better of it and slapped him, hard.

He smirked, nodded his head and rubbed his cheek tentatively.

"Thank you Nora," he said. "I needed that."

*--*--*

So, time travel. Really? What was this, Groundhog Day? Not that Bill Murray wasn't awesome and not that Barney didn't appreciate being given a second chance with Robin but… Really? It all seemed so clichéd.

He wandered back to his room in a bit of a daze. Ted had waved at him from across the bar (hah! Lame no-alcohol policy) but he'd ignored him. Whatever problems the prospective husband had at this stage, he was sure Marshall was more equipped to deal with it.

Letting himself into his room, Barney sat down heavily on the low, uncomfortable bed. It was probably good for his posture or something, but it was certainly bad for his knees. Barney wondered if anyone had any sex as remotely dirty as what he and Nora had been doing in the last hour. Word.

But then again - had they? The whole hour had been wiped out. He was the only one who remembered it. Barney un-popped the top button of his shirt and undid his tie - mirroring the exact same sequence of events exactly one hour before when there'd been a knock at his door.

_Knock_ _knock_!

He sat bolt upright. Nora again? He smiled slightly - yeah, Nora was just slutty enough (crazy enough?) to have been a bit turned on by what he'd said to her. Perhaps she was up for another (a first?) round of hot, rough-and-ready sex?

He opened the door and was surprised to see… Robin. But of course - if everything had been reset then Robin had never caught him with Nora and she'd never… It was still possible to…

"Hey, Robin…" He gulped nervously and the world tilted around him again.

*--*--*

"Barney…" She said, smiling, although she looked exhausted and her eyes were kind of desperate. "I am having… a _horrible_ day," She said. (No kidding). "Uh, I snuck some scotch in from the Duty Free store, d'ya wanna join me?" The same words - the same expression. But before, she'd sort of trailed off when she had registered that he was standing there clad only in boxers, desperately trying to shield himself with the door while also appearing to lean against it nonchalantly. Before, Robin had realised, horrified, that he'd had Stella's sister tied to his headboard... Stella's _sister_… She'd shouted at him…

But this time…

"Yeah, yeah… c-come in!" He said with a stutter, opening the door fully. God, she looked gorgeous. "Unless you'd rather do it in your room… And by _do it_, I mean…" He wiggled his eyebrows, making her laugh.

"Actually, they- they didn't get me a room. I was hoping I could stay with you…"

Bingo!

"No problem," He said smoothly, leading her inside and grabbing two glasses from the night-stand. "I think I saw some ice in the corridor outside. Unless you'd rather take it as it comes?" Again with the eyebrow wiggle.

She took a glass from him and set it down, collapsing back on to the bed. She looked upset - like she'd just broken off an argument with someone. He grinned inwardly. Angry sex was second only to despair sex! This couldn't get any better! He poured her a drink.

"Sooooo. What happened?" He said, sitting down on the bed next to her.

"Everything, nothing…" Her brow creased and he could see she was thinking, simmering, bottling things up.

He stroked her arm with the back of his hand. "Hey, you can tell uncle Barney…" He said with a grin.

She laughed, grabbing his hand. "Right now, talking's the last thing I really want to do…"

This time, she wasn't even drunk…

*--*--*

Barney probably should have picked up on that. But when you really (desperately) want to have sex with someone, the last thing that springs to mind is to search for reasons not to. It's only (always) afterwards that you realise what a huge mistake it was. And usually that's not a problem - because you never have to see them again. But this was _Robin_.

She lay there, her body stiffening against his. It didn't feel right to hold her, but he tried to anyway. He could feel the knot inside her as if it were in him too, twisting his guts. Jesus, this was worse than their first time! What the hell was wrong with her?

He heard the hitch in her breath and stroked her hair, very gently.

"Hey…" He said softly, "Hey…? What's wrong, Robin?" He wanted so desperately for there to me nothing wrong. He had her here, naked, soft and oh-so _Robin_… But she wasn't _his_. Perhaps she'd never be his.

And sure enough… she said that magic, hateful word… "It's Ted…"

He felt cold inside.

"I quit my job, Barney. It was literally driving me crazy. The were like a bizarre-o version of Metro One. And I was homesick even though I'd never admit it, even to myself. I missed you all. I missed… When _he_ called me to say he was getting married and actually invited me… It was like a knife right through me! How could he be that insensitive…?"

Oh.

Barney saw it then and saw it perfectly. How painful must it have been for Robin to be invited to this ridiculously-rushed wedding? Why had none of them seen it? They were supposed to be her friends!

"It's Ted," He forced himself to say, "Locked in his lame little romantic bubble. Damn it, Scherbatsky! You know he can't see anything else outside him and Stella and playing happy families…"

"So I told him," Robin continued as if she hadn't heard him, "how much it hurt. And I realised then that it means I still have feelings for him. Unresolved feelings. And… Barney… He's getting _married_…" She let out a sob and he held her close. "He's getting married and I'm all alone…"

"What about me?" Barney thought. But even as he stopped himself from saying it, he knew the answer. Robin had done exactly what she had to - used him for sex, for comfort. Used him just as she'd used him before, when Simon had dumped her. Because Barney was safe, and sex with Barney was just sex.

It wasn't just sex for him though. He knew that now.

But of course, now he had only confirmed to Robin that he'd forever just be _that guy_.

He didn't want to be that guy. Not to her.

Barney closed his eyes before his own tears could come. And he wished… he wish so hard: Take it back. Take it all back.

*--*--*

Barney sat bold upright on the bed and staggered to his feet. He stood, panting for a second, checked his watch and sobbed with relief. He ran all the way down to the bar, looking around wildly. There was Nora, standing at the bar. He let out a bark of laughter, almost a little hysterically, and gave a little "thank you" to the big guy upstairs.

He leaned, mock-casually, against the reception desk.

"Hey, are you okay?" The girl behind the desk said, her dreadlocks bobbing as she nodded her head. Something about her appealed to him. Perhaps there was something of Shannon in her, of more innocent days.

"Well, Belinda," He said, squinting at her name-tag. "It's complicated…" He let out a heart-felt sigh and gave her puppy-dog eyes.

"Here at the Namaste Yoga and Meditation collective, we're here to unravel your most complicated issues," The girl said, grinning.

Barney raised an eyebrow. "Oh really?"

Perhaps today, what he really needed to be, was _that guy_.

*--*--*

"Hey Robin," Barney said, opening the door and leaning against it nonchalantly. He knew that there was very little he could do to stop her seeing Belinda but he made a show of trying, of even being embarrassed. This time, of course, the conversation went a little differently.

"See you Barney," She eventually said, and left, obviously disappointed, obviously still in pain.

He stammered, let out a sigh and rested his head on the doorframe. It hurt - more than he'd expected it to. But he'd done the right thing. Barney Stinson had done the right thing. By _not_ having sex with a girl! What was this freaking world coming to?

And then Nora was there, her hand on his shoulder, carrying a bottle of champagne. He jumped.

"Okay, let's do this."

He didn't say anything. Things would play out how they had to. Now there was nothing he could wish for differently - nothing for him to take back.

"Who the hell is that?" She said, pointing to Belinda.

"Uuum, it's the… girl… from the… front desk," He said, grinning.

And weirdly, magically, she grinned to, and strode into the room.

Barney's legs seemed to lose the ability to hold him upright and he staggered after her into the room.

The tricycle? Really?

If this was his reward for doing the right thing, he'd make sure to try it out more often…


	6. Never Turn Your Back On You

Never Turn My Back On You

(Episodes 6 and 7, Happily Ever After/Not A Father's Day)

Barney stumbled over the doorstep of the karaoke bar, his flailing hand catching a railing before he could lose his footing completely. Boy, he was _way_ more drunk than he'd realised! The cold night air wasn't enough to sober him up (it just made his lips tingle) so he smacked himself sharply across the face. He knew what he had to do tonight and there was no point running away from it any longer.

His destination was a bar in the Bronx, only a block away from the Karaoke place. Normally Barney wouldn't have been caught dead pounding the streets in that neighbourhood at this time of night but tonight… Tonight was special.

Even though he only visited the place once a year, Barney nodded at the familiar faces and pushed straight through the crowd to the small, grimy-looking bar. He sat down next to a guy dressed in dockers and a cheap shirt. The man turn towards him and gave him a lopsided smile which mirrored his own.

"Hey, Barney!" The guy said, raising his empty beer bottle in salute.

Barney nodded at the white-haired bartender.

"Hey," he said, "how's it going? Give us a couple'll beers, would ya, Cecil?" He passed both bottles over to the man sitting beside him, his tongue feeling thick in his mouth.

"You keeping well, son?" The man asked him and Barney frowned, shifting uncomfortably in his seat at the word. He sat quietly for a moment while he considered the inquiry.

"Hmm, well, I haven't been arrested yet this year," he drawled.

"Me neither," the man next to him muttered.

Barney turned towards him in surprise. "That new program working out okay for you?" He said with a grin.

The man shrugged, suddenly taciturn, and took a long swig of his beer. Barney tried not to stare at the faded prison tattoo on his forearm, or the slight hunch of his shoulders, or the way he held his beer. It was too much like looking in one of those distorted funhouse mirrors - so like looking at himself in thirty years and yet... _not_... At least, he very much hoped not.

"You found a girlfriend yet?" The man asked him.

Barney snorted. Why did this question always come up?

The man laughed. "I don't know how you do it. Successful young man like you, good job, good prospects... and you've managed to avoid being tied down. That's quite a talent."

Barney smirked. "Must be in the genes." He said, ironically.

The man nodded, his head falling forward a little. Considering the line of empties set up on the bar in front of him, it was pretty damned impressive that he hadn't passed out already.

"You wanna get a cab home?" Barney asked him, seeing the signs even thought his brain felt like someone had boiled it in alcohol.

"You payin'?"

Barney laughed and helped the man to his feet, out of the bar and into a passing cab.

"Say hi to Patty for me," the man said, falling onto the back seat.

Barney stood and watched the cab pull away, its engine coughing and spluttering. He pulled his coat tightly across his chest, one hand delving into his pocket, fingers finding the tiny baby's sock he'd found on the table at McLaren's. With one last sad smile he turned around and headed back towards the city.

*--*--*

Robin woke up with the phone still propped against her ear, the dial-tone having long ago been replaced by an irritating, low-pitched whine that had given her a headache. She had tried, really tried to call her Father. After all, there was the pretext of Christmas that she could use and he was always complaining that she and Katie never visited any more.

Well, he didn't complain exactly so much as make snide remarks in his Christmas cards.

Robin rolled her eyes, feeling angry again despite herself. As many times as she'd told herself that her Dad was in the wrong, she somehow felt weird sometimes that she didn't care enough about him to try and make amends. It was something that annoyed the hell out of Katie.

Her hand reached for the phone again and she drew it back, gritting her teeth.

Trouble is, Lily and Marshall, no matter how much they tried, were bound to screw with their kids lives just like every parent had since the dawn of time. So what was the point in it all? What the hell kind of Mom would _she_ make, anyway?

So it was just something she didn't like to talk about because, when she did, people thought she was odd, a freak or just plain weird. All girls wanted babies, didn't they? That's what society dictated. Even most _men_ wanted babies. Certainly Ted and Marshall would have them if science found a way for them to get an artificial womb.

So, anyway, if her Father could disown her, Robin could damn well disown him right back. That was it! He was no longer a Father in her eyes…

Robin laughed suddenly, placing the phone receiver back in its cradle and getting out of bed. She had an idea for a perfect Christmas present for her Father.

No, that was too cruel…

But the idea was enough to cheer her up.

She got out her phone and texted Barney: "Those 'Not A Father's Day' tshirts? Where can I get one?"


	7. Rodeo

Rodeo (Episode 8: Woo)

The fourth time he went down, he stayed down.

Lily, genetically unable to ignore an animal in distress (even a Barney Stinson in distress) got up to help him. Robin, reluctantly, followed.

Barney showed no signs of life when they got to him so Robin poked him with her toe. He groaned, reassuringly (Lily felt) although he still looked very pale.

"Hey," Lily said, getting down on to her knees beside him.

"Lily! Ew! Bar floor!" Robin said with disgust.

"Robin!" Lily countered, matching her tone. "He's not well. Five minutes on the bull shouldn't have this effect on him."

"Three hours!" Barney insisted, weakly.

"I'm pretty sure Ted paid them to tell you that-" Robin interjected.

"Three hours!" Barney interrupted her, opening his eyes.

"Are you okay, honey?" Lily said.

"M'awesome…"

"Sure you are. Can you get up?" Lily tried to help him move, but Barney's grey pallor quickly turned to green as she managed to get him into a sitting position. "I think he's really sick," She said. "Hey, are you faking this to pick up chicks? Cos I might have to call your mom!" Lily threatened.

"Nah," Robin said as she helped Lily get Barney upright. "He's got this inner ear thing?"

Barney moaned, tilting off balance like a sailor who'd just got back from sea. Lily knew that the minute they let him go he'd just collapse again.

"I can't believe Marshall did this to him," She complained. "Barney, you need to try and walk, sweetie."

Robin snorted as they supported the swaying man between them. "You don't know, Lily, it was probably entirely deserved. Knowing Barney…"

"Hey!" He mumbled, unable to put up much more of a fight than that.

"Hey yourself. Was this something to do with getting Ted that job? Barney Stinson, did you job-block Ted?" Lily asked him.

They finally got Barney out into the fresh air and Robin hailed a cab. "Think I'm gonna hurl," was all they got out of him.

"He did!" Robin said, laughing. "But was too guilty to go through with it! I bet you, like, a million dollars that's what happened!"

It was awkward getting Barney into the back seat of the cab when he kept trying to roll on the floor but they finally managed it. Although Lily did wonder quite how he managed to get his head nestled in her lap. That self-satisfied smile on his face made her roll her eyes.

"When I feel guilty, I stop being guilty and start being awesome inst-" Barney's eyes rolled back in his head.

Both girls sighed then Robin giggled. "True story," She finished for him.

*--*--*

Barney had spent about an hour throwing up in the bathroom while Robin raided his fridge for some wine and she and Lily sat and talked.

"To quality time!" Robin said, as they clinked their glasses. "Who'd have thought it would be courtesy of Barney?"

"I know!" Lily said, looking around her. "You know, this appartment isn't so bad without him lounging around it like a lizard. Except you've gotta watch out for his spy cameras." She waved vaguely at the ceiling.

Robin laughed. "No, really?"

Lily nodded, then turned as she heard movement from the bathroom. They both got up to investigate only to find Barney literally crawling along the floor to try and get into bed.

"I think we should leave him. It's a good lesson."

Lily shook her head. "There's a difference between justice and cruelty, Robin."

So the two of them helped him on to the bed and attempted to prop him up on the single pillow.

"So…" He muttered. "You chicks made out yet?" He attempted a leer.

"Barney!" Robin scolded him, but Lily giggled.

This seemed to perk Barney up a little bit. "What? Lily Aldrin, you _are_ a Woo Girl! Woo girls make out with each other all the time. Have you seduced Robin Scherbatsky? Tell me everything. Tell your uncle Barney. In great detail!" The speech seemed to exhaust him and Barney slumped back on the bed.

Lily felt herself flushing. "It was just the one time. I was curious!" She sputtered. Barney tried to punch the air triumphantly but barely managed an arm wave.

"Oh Lily," Robin said, giving Barney a teasing glance. "Don't be so modest. You were great!"

Lily couldn't help but grin. "I was, wasn't I? I- I mean, I can't pretend that I haven't thought about it since!"

Robin took a step closer to her, trying not to laugh as Barney let out a sort of "Nnnngh!" noise from the bed. "And since we haven't exactly got any functioning dudes in the room to satisfy us, we might just have to made do with each other…"

Lily gave Robin a mock-smouldering look. "Why, Robin Sherbatsky, are you offering?" She giggled as she felt Robin's hand on her hip. Too many sparkling shots followed by a chaser of about a bottle of Barney's good European wine had made her tipsy and bold. "I do believe you are!" She leaned forward and felt Robin's palm caress her face. In heels, there wasn't a much of a height difference between them.

Robin's mouth was soft on hers at first, and sticky with lipstick. Lily squeezed her eyes shut and parted her lips, too drunk to be surprised at how eagerly Robin kissed her in return. Almost instantly, she had her hands twisted in the material of Robin's top and it took her breath away when her friend took the lead, almost aggressively. She could hear Barney moving about on the bed, fighting to get into the action and this only seemed to make her more eager, more enthusiastic. Robin's fingers were in her hair and Robin's tongue was skimming her teeth and Lily _liked_ it - the taste of her, the soft, warm feel of her skin - she opened one eye and saw Barney lying, open mouthed on the bed, his eyes practically on stalks. How easy it would be to swing Robin around and accidentally-on-purpose fall on to his bed. It was big enough for three. It's not like she'd never been curious, but Marshall would have never-

"OhmygodMarshall!" Lily squeaked incoherently and broke contact.

"Nooooooooo!" Barney whined. "Don't stop! That was the hottest thing since- well, I thought the T-rex was cool, but THIS!"

"I'm sorry Barney," Lily said, wiping her lips with the back of her hand and trying to collect herself. "As much as I'd love to scissor all night long with my main girl, here, I really ought to be getting back to my husband."

"Lily!" Barney protested, desperately. "I'll give you ten-th-, no, I'll give you _fifty_-thousand dollars to stay here for another half hour. No, I'll give you sixty thou if you take off your top."

Robin sniggered and Lily couldn't help but grin, although she felt a little churned up inside. Robin really was an aggressive kisser. Who knew?

"SIXTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!" Barney shouted as Lily gave Robin a chaste kiss on the cheek.

"Wanna share a cab?" She asked.

"Nah," Robin said, with a fond look back at the bed. "Someone had better keep an eye on him." She said.

"S'long as that's the only body part you keep on him!" Lily sniggered.

"Hey-oh!" Robin said, high-five-ing her.

"No...! No! Come on… NO!" Barney was saying, trying to sit up, but Robin pushed him back down.

"Bye Lil," She said, smirking.

Lily made her way to the front door. "You guys have fun!" She shouted out.

And she wondered, a little wistfully, just what might have happened if she had stayed.


	8. Warmth

Warmth (Episode 9: The Naked Man)

A taxi cab came to a stop beside him, throwing up a splatter of mud on to his bare legs, the tyres squealing like the do in the movies but he'd never heard in real life. Briefly, he considered making a run for it (not that he was embarrassed, Barney Stinson had _nothing_ to be embarrassed about his awesome body) but his limbs didn't seem to work properly any more.

The door of the cab opened and Robin poked out her head. "Need a lift, tiger?" She asked, grinning.

He let out a sarcastic laugh. His heart was racing a little. Just for a second he thought it might have been a cop car and he'd get arrested. Again. More stupid community service.

"Get in then!" Robin said, more urgently. "I was worried about you. God, you must be freezing!"

"M'not," He tried to say but his lips were suddenly too thick to make words. He didn't feel cold, not in the least. He actually felt quite pleasantly warm.

Robin got out of the cab and tried to man-handle him inside. "Jesus!" She exclaimed. "You're like ice!" She knocked on the driver's window. "Hey, you? Got a blanket in the back or something?"

While the driver got out, grumbling, and popped the trunk, Robin was trying to rub his arms with her bare hands. Under normal circumstances, this would have been highly erotic and would have lead to all sorts of horizontal naughtiness but right then Barney could barely feel her. "Balls," He tried to say.

"Don't try to talk…" She murmured and she actually sounded a little scared. That was nice! Robin Scherbatsky _cared_ about him? He tried to grin but only managed a strangled grimace as the cabbie gave her a disgusting looking (and smelling! Gah!) blanket to wrap around him. Robin managed to drag him in to the cab, the bare leather seats sticking to the skin of his legs so that it was painful to scootch over into her embrace.

"Twenty dollars for every red light you run!" Robin blurted and gave the driver his address.

There was a weird, clacking noise, like the cab had blown a tire and they were running on the rim. It gave him a headache and he wished it would stop. Then suddenly, Barney was shivering violently and he realised the noise was his own teeth chattering.

"Oh thank god," Robin said, in his ear, her arms wrapped tight around him.

*--*--*

Barney's doorman helped her get him up to his apartment but left them at the door, giving Robin a pitying look. Barney hadn't stopped shivering the entire time.

It was hard getting him into the bedroom. He weighed a surprising amount for a skinny guy. All muscle, she concluded, with a secret smile and a snigger she barely suppressed. Those kinds of thoughts really weren't very helpful right now.

Depositing him on the bed, she raided his closet (not so much a closet as a whole room, which she envied) and found nothing but suits and a single pair of silk pyjamas.

"Barney!" She shouted. "This is ridiculous! Why don't you have any regular clothes. Sweaters? You need something warm!"

He said something but the words were unintelligible through his chattering teeth. Robin hurried back to the bedroom and tried to wrap him in the single, not-very-substantial, blanket. How in the hell could she warm him up? She wondered, frantically. Put him under the shower? Give him HER clothes? She laughed at the thought, moving her hand and realising that the flesh of his shoulder had warmed considerably where she'd been touching it.

"Body heat!" She concluded with surprise.

He gave her a kind of "Qwah?" expression.

She got into bed beside him and wrapped herself as tightly around his body as she possibly could. He was shivering so violently now that she thought he might break something. What if she should take him to hospital or something? What if he had, what was it? Hypothermia?

Damn, this wasn't working. It wasn't working fast enough. She got out of bed, hearing him groan in pain as she did so and started stripping off her own clothes. She didn't think about it, she didn't agonise about it, she didn't even hate him for making her take care of him like this (well maybe just a little). She just did it.

It wasn't like she hadn't been naked with him before!

Robin caught herself smiling at the memory.

It wasn't like she hadn't fantasised about being naked with him again.

God, he was so cold. He made her shiver as she pressed herself around him, warming him, holding him until his spasms gradually subsided.

"That was really stupid," She said, when he was finally still. She assumed he was asleep.

"All part of my master plan to get you back in bed," He croaked, with a half-grin, eyes still tightly shut.

She kissed him fondly on the cheek.

"Go to sleep," She whispered.

And he did.

*--*--*

All night!

All night he'd spent, naked, with the hottest girl he'd even known, and he hadn't made a move on her?

_All night!_

Okay, so he'd been in no physical condition to make any kind of move on her at first but then this morning there was no way Barney Stinson should have let a hot chick out of his bed without at least some kind of sausage breakfast.

What up.

This did _not_ happen. This did. Not. Happen.

Robin looked over her shoulder at him while she finished fixing her hair. "Will you be okay?" She asked him. He must have pouted because she gave him a scolding look. "That's gratitude for you."

"I'm sorry." Barney managed. "You saved my life, Scherbatsky."

Robin laughed that low, dirty laugh. "Again. I know. This is becoming a habit. You've got to keep yourself out of trouble. The universe really seems to hate you right now."

Ain't that the truth? He thought.

She stood up and smoothed down her clothes. She certainly didn't look like one of his regular pick-ups, about to take the walk of shame. He found he kind-of liked that.

Man, he really needed a new Bro Code article to cover this.

But it _definitely_ wasn't going in his blog. _Not_ banging chicks wasn't exactly something you bragged about.

Robin came over to the bed and he stared up at her helplessly.

"Call me later?" She said, and gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek. The skin burned for long minutes after he heard the front door click shut.

God damn it! He'd done it again! He'd gone out for a one-night stand and ended up catching feelings again. Robin… that girl was _virulent_!

Barney spent the next two hours drawing little pictures of naked cavemen and women and trying to think of something, anything, other than _her_.


	9. Get This Close

Get This Close (Episode 10, The Fight)

She'd been sitting next to him at their usual table and for the first time in a long time, she'd been allowed to touch him in a way that was not strictly friends-only: To grip his arm and feel the swell of his bicep beneath the thin cotton of his shirt (boy she needs to get laid!), to excitedly rub his leg under the table without him either calling her on it or stopping her, to even touch his face (the bruise felt like warm steak and the thought still makes her mouth water).

These last couple of months have been tough on him (and on her) but they've successfully managed to elevate their relationship somehow. She's saved his ass twice now - once after he got sick from riding the bucking bronco and then again when he was kicked out of that bimbo's apartment and left in the street naked without a shred of his dignity intact. She thought she's been doing so well! That moment of weakness at Shelter Island when she'd (almost) thrown herself at him was completely forgotten, as was his inexplicably sweet behaviour before she left for Japan.

They were back to being Barney and Robin again. Bros. Compadres. Wing-man to wing-woman.

So why had she been pulling at him like he was…? he was…? He was Barney Stinson and you didn't get close to Barney Stinson. Not ever. Well, unless you were a bro. But a proper relationship (with a girl) that might (on the outside chance) involve cuddling and not leaving first thing in the morning…?

No way.

And what about her? She didn't exactly fawn over guys. Well, okay, there was Simon, and that British doctor guy a few years ago (god, what was his name?) and Gael… but they were just silly, temporary, infatuations. This was _Barney_ and he was her friend and she didn't get silly infatuations about a friend.

(Hey, totally not true. Remember _Ted_? Remember how that ended?)

But even so, the next time she's in the booth and jammed up tight next to him, she misses the easy intimacy and she misses the chance to touch him.

And there's one brief moment when he looks over at her and makes a crude joke, but there's this weird longing in his eyes, as if he somehow misses it too.

Something hurts inside her far more than she'd ever expected it to and, to her own great surprise, she smiles at him.

After all, someone's got to make the first move, right?


	10. Article 19

Article 19 (Episode 11: Little Minnesota)

_**The Bro Code - Article 19: **__A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro's sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry if another Bro says, "Dude, your sister's hot!"  
__**Amendment III: **__Should a Bro become aware that his Bro has a really hot sister (a nine or higher), she is no longer protected under article 19. _

Barney passed by a group of carol singers in the street then hesitated, turning around and tossing a bill into their collection bucket without checking the denomination. He picked up their cheerful tune, humming under his breath until he'd gotten the first line:

(To the tune of "Away in a Manger") _Away with Hea-ther Mos-by / I'll get her in bed / I'll play with her tit-ties / and she'll give me head…_

Chuckling, he called Ted again. "Hey, what's on tap for tonight?"

He was about to break into song when Ted, being Ted, was suddenly all evasive (i.e. super-obvious) and Barney bristled and hung up. Did Ted _really_ still not trust him to meet his sister? Perhaps it was time to step up the pressure and mess with his best friend's head a little. Chortling like some kind of evil genius, Barney's eye was caught by a black leather office chair in the window of a furniture store as he was walking by. Hmm… He could just picture the look on Ted's face. Grinning, he doubled back and got out his wallet.

Oh, this was going to be sweet…

*--*--*

Heather was… Well, she was pretty, he supposed. She just had nothing going on behind the eyes (and normally that was exactly what he looked for in a chick) but this was Ted's sister so he couldn't help but be a little disappointed.

Still, at least she didn't look like Ted in a wig.

She was at least a nine, so that gave him an out as far as the _Code_ was concerned, but he doubted that Ted would ever understand. Also, what was he going to say? "Ted, I slept with your sister but it's okay, because although she's hot, she's really not that good. Won't do it again, Bro!"

He somehow knew that speech wouldn't quite cut it.

Besides… He'd promised he wouldn't do anything with Heather.

"That was nice…" Heather said, laid out (hehe) beneath him, her hair all tangled up like she was Helena Bonham Carter or something. "Nice?" That was practically an insult! He pulled her to her feet. She was perky (yeah she was) and a little slutty and it should be enough for him. So why did he feel strangely hollow?

"Why do you keep baby oil in your office anyway?" She asked him in a tone that was getting a little annoying. He thanked the lord that, while growing up, he'd only had a brother to contend with.

"Why do you think?" He shrugged, passing her a scrunched-up bundle of clothing. He was strategising and she was ruining his flow with her questions.

Heather laughed. "Sorry about your desk!" She pulled on her bra and he didn't even look at her.

With a ghost of a smile he answered "Not my desk…" and laughed.

He'd just about had enough time to pull on his pants when Lily burst into the room.

*--*--*

Heather looked panicked. "You won't tell Ted?"

"I definitely won't tell him." Barney stepped back and covered his eyes with his hand - of course! How could he have been so stupid? "No, I _will_ tell him!"

"What?" The girl looked outraged.

"I mean, we'll both tell him that we didn't really do it - that the whole thing was a test?"

He could practically see the icebergs of her thoughts float around her brain before she said, predictably, "What?"

"I mean, we'll tell Ted that we planned for Lily to catch us 'In the act'," he mimed the quotes with his fingers, "because he doesn't trust you, to show him how lame he is for making judgements about you. For still treating you like an irresponsible teenager?"

She nodded, but her lip curled.

Barney sighed and rolled his eyes. "We'll say we _didn't_ have sex! But we faked it for Lily to prove a point!"

She looked away, flustered. "Yeah, yeah… I get it."

Barney slowly shook his head.

*--*--*

He wasn't jealous. He _really_ wasn't jealous. But as Marshall sat in the booth singing "Let's go to the Mall", Barney's hand made a fist under the table and he squeezed it until his knuckles turned white.

(Robin Sparkles was _their_ thing…)

Robin was laughing hard at everything Marshall said and had someone conveniently forgotten that he'd totally stabbed her in the back at the Minnesota (really? such things existed?) bar. Barney found himself wishing he could have seen Robin beating Marshall's high score at the fishing game. She really was the most awesome woman in the whole world.

Oh goddammit! Not again…

He cleared his throat and took a sip of his cognac (the Christmas version of scotch; he made a mental note to put that in his blog - what would Santa prefer...?), letting the liquid burn through into his belly before making an arch comment just to watch her laugh.

Why had he slept with Heather? And he wasn't questioning it because of Ted. No, he was questioning it because all he really wanted to be doing right now was… well… _Robin_.

The treatment for _feelings_ that he'd prescribed himself back in September really, really wasn't working. He was just getting new symptoms all the time. He was getting_ jealous_. Of _MARSHALL_! And he was regretting having sex with a NINE!

Barney's shoulders slumped and he stared into the distance, eyes unfocused, until Lily punched him in the arm.

"What's happening now?" He said vaguely and, distantly, he heard them all laugh.

Crap. What was he going to do?


	11. Once More, With Feeling

Once more, with feeling (Episode 12: Benefits)

**1. Bear**

2009

He left it perched on the samurai sword because when he gets home from work it makes him smile. The little stuffed toy looks like he's sliding along the sword, like he's having a fun time. At least one of them is.

Barney moves the bear into the bedroom and pops it on the side of the bed where chicks sometimes sleep (no-one's been there, not for weeks) and he leans back on the bed, feet dangling off to the side as he stares at the ceiling.

He reaches out, fingers groping for the soft, soft fur. When he was a kid, he never had a bear, never had a dog, never had anything that made him feel young and alive and innocent.

He knows it can't last but he'll take all the good-feelings he can get. He's surprised to find that he gets them at all.

Is it worth it? Is this glimmer worth the hours he spends with an ice-pick stuck in his rib-cage?

Barney sits up and switches on the TV, squinting as the screen blazes into life. He reaches over for Feely, perching him on his lap as he kicks off his shoes.

He smiles as his fingers squeeze the toy.

Worth it.

**2. Someone always gets hurt**

1996

Lily always felt a little out of place in the cool gang - Harry and Julia and Daniel and Pam. She suspected (no, she knew) that she was only accepted by them because she was Scooter's girlfriend. She didn't feel rebellious or talented or hard edged or real. Not like they were. And when Julia announced that she was breaking up with Harry just before prom, Lily couldn't understand it. How could someone do something like that? She'd seen Julia's incredible blue shot-silk dress and Harry's weird European cap and they would definitely be the most radical couple there. It made little or no sense to her. It rattled her because it made her realise how naïve she was compared to them.

It made her think a little about the future.

So when Julia said, a few days later, that she and Harry had hooked up again, Lily found herself enthusiastically egging her friend on. She had always been in awe of Julia. Julia had sex, proper sex - not just fooling around like the stuff she and Scooter did. Julia said that she and Harry didn't care about a relationship - packaged, plastic, homogenised. They said that sex was fun and that's all they needed. They didn't actually _love_ each other.

Lily had barely noticed that Pam had flinched when Julia made her announcement. But she did see the row of fresh, tiny, parallel scars on Pam's arm the next morning, where the sleeve of her shirt pulled up a little when she rested it on the desk.

Lily watched Pam, transfixed and embarrassed, and she saw what Pam saw. Harry. Longing for Harry. Unrequited Love.

It suddenly struck Lily that she'd never felt love like that, or misery like that. She wondered if she ever would.

**3. Tacos**

2009

Robin had never wanted Ted to get hurt. But for just a couple of weeks there, he's been the perfect boyfriend: Not too clingy, not too possessive and not at all annoying. The mind-blowing sex has helped too, she thinks to herself with a smile.

Shame he had to go and blow it but he sounded pretty final. And, let's face it, if he's starting to get all feeling-y, then it's probably for the best. She can't handle anything serious right now and she certainly can't handle Ted moping around her like a love-sick schoolgirl. Robin has enough to cope with, what with her lack of job and dwindling self esteem.

Nope, if Ted wants to stop their arrangement then she's okay with that. Surprisingly okay. After all, the dishwasher and the milk and the sparklingly-clean apartment really helps.

She clinks her glass against Barney's, finishing her taco and licking her fingers, glad that the smile on his face doesn't seem forced for once. She wonders what exactly has been going on with him lately. All his nervous ticks and weirdness are really starting to freak her out.

She sighs. She guesses she'll find out sooner or later.


	12. Robotics

**Robotics (Ep 13 - Three Days of Snow)  
**

1. Don't forget the robot

Lily stood, hands planted firmly on her hips, and gave Robin a withering stare. "So…? You hit on Marshall?"

She watched Robin's expression flicker between emotions: Confusion, realisation, panic, denial, confusion again and, finally, terror.

"NO!" Robin exclaimed, horrified. (Just the one "no", Lily noticed). "Lily, you know I'd _never-_! I mean, it's _Marshall_! Did he tell you that my car is _still_ buried in the snow because I tried to get him to the airport to meet you on _Tuesday_? And… it's _Marshall_!" Robin lowered her voice. "He's so _totally_ not my type," she gulped. "He got it all wrong…" She began to back away, waving her hands in front of her, arms bent at the elbow like she was doing some weird 80's robotic dance. "I covered _him_ in snow! I wasn't-! I would never!"

Lily couldn't keep a straight face any longer. "Robin, honey, shut the hell up. I don't really think you hit on him!" She giggled.

Robin gaped with a "Whu-?"

Lily smirked. "If I thought that for even a minute, I'd break your arms, not chat about it!" She paused for effect then laughed gently.

Robin joined her, uncertainly, and sat down on the couch. "Er… So…" She said, glancing towards Ted's bedroom as if for moral support, laughing uneasily again. "Er... glad to be back in New York?"

Lily grinned, showing her teeth. "Oh yeah! I missed you all a _lot_!."

She was surprised at how relieved Robin looked when she hugged her.

2. Must… do… robot

The door burst open, Barney storming through it, a whirlwind of arms and legs. "Ted! TEEEEED!" He shrieked.

Ted emerged blearily from his bedroom. "Hey Lily," he said, nodding to her.

"Hey Ted!" She smiled and nodded.

"Ted!" Barney rushed up to him, coming to an abrupt halt just before he would have bumped right in to him. "You have to come outside with me _right now_!"

Ted grinned, enjoying Barney's antics. "Dude, it's like ten degrees below outside. It's freezing."

Barney made two prongs with his fingers, pointing at his own eyes, then his friend's. "Ted! Ted! Ted! Right here!" He took a deep breath, as if calming himself.

Lily and Robin smirked at each other.

"Everyone from the bar is outside in the snow, throwing it at each other!" Barney announced.

"Ooo, sounds fun!" Lily said. Robin chuckled.

"And that means?" Ted asked.

Barney rolled his eyes. "Frozen, _soaking-wet_ cutlets who are just looking for someone to strip them down, warm them up and get them off." He grinned widely. "What UP!"

Ted frowned, as if he was considering it. "Eh… okay!"

Barney slapped him on the back and laughed. "Yeah! Let's do this!"

While they hunted for Ted's jacket, Robin turned to Lily and whispered: "Can you believe those two? They're just getting worse, I swear. Did you hear about the party with the marching band? It's like they're brainless machines, powered by their dicks!"

Lily giggled and put her hand around the shell of Robin's ear, whispering. "And we both know that those two are both practically half dick…"

Robin raised an eyebrow and whispered back. "Or three-quarters in Barney's case… Which explains a lot if you think about it…?"

Lily was laughing too hard to answer.

2. The robot falls in love

"You know, you've got a dirty laugh, Aldrin!" Barney said as Ted dithered about whether putting on a hat would flatten his hair.

"And you're a dirty dog, Stinson!" Lily shouted back.

"Yeah, uh, actually, Barney… " Robin said, getting to her feet. "You've got to stop having sex in my room when we have parties! I know that was you last night."

Lily spluttered.

"I did not have sex in your room!" Barney laughed.

"Barney, you left… evidence."

"Ew!" Lily sniggered.

"I had sex in Ted's room!" Barney insisted.

"Hey!" Ted said, looking up from his search for gloves.

"Barney!" Robin said, warningly.

"_Okay_, I might have had sex in your room _once_!" Barney admitted, his expression going a bit dreamy before he winked. "Okay, a few times. But I've had sex in Ted's room, like, thirty times!"

"You had sex with Ted?" Lily said, po-faced, trying to stop her lips from twitching into a smirk.

Ted looked outraged. "Seriously, we didn't! We never had sex!"

Lily thought he was blushing.

"Not with _you,_ bro! With the lay-deez!"

Lily and Robin were, by now, laughing hysterically.

Barney harrumphed, shooting them both a glare as fled the apartment, Ted closely following him.

"You boys be safe!" Robin yelled after them. She turned to Lily. "I've got some red wine in the kitchen?"

"You don't want to go down to the bar and throw snowballs at the guys?" Lily asked, grinning mischievously.

Robin shuddered. "Nah, I'm making the most of the heat in this apartment before the super comes and fixes it tomorrow." She looked down at her hands, picking at her fingernails. "Besides, Barney's driving me crazy right now."

"Three-quarter dick?" Lily grinned.

"Yeah… TQD. He's just- he's being super-_Barney_ right now, you know? Like some crazy clockwork toy that's been wound too tight. And Ted's just encouraging him…" Robin frowned. "And Marshall called _me_ a robot! Huh!" Robin struggled to get up from the couch, Lily giving her a helpful push. As Robin disappeared into the kitchen, Lily watched her, sadly.

"Oh sweetie…" She sighed. "You're not the robot… you're the toaster oven…"


	13. Special Skills

**Special Skills - Episode 14, The Possimpible**

..

**1. Tingles**

She couldn't just _leave_ it with one quick hug. Even as she threw her arms around Ted, squealing, practically bouncing with excitement, Robin felt weird and tingly from touching _him_.

So she stood in front of Barney, glad and oh-so-grateful and put her hands on her hips because she was so giddy that she didn't know what to do with them. She shifted her weight from foot to foot, feeling light, so light, like she could float away. She sighed, willing herself to sink back to earth a little. She just couldn't help it though. The enthusiasm bubbled inside her and she was grinning from ear to ear.

"Oh God… How did you pull this off?" She asked him.

He shrugged, of course, too cool to let on how hard he'd worked for this - for _her_. But she knew, of course. Oh _yeah_, she knew. "I am the master of the _possimpible_…" He replied with a wry smile, stretching out his hands.

She nodded. He really was.

"You really are…" She said, a little tearfully. "Thank you." She reached out, fingers touching the soft cloth of his jacket, one hand sliding around him of its own accord until she could pull him in for a hug, a real hug, a thank-you hug. She held him tightly, both arms wrapped around his neck and let the tingle spread through her, warming her. God… if only she could stay here, stay in his arms, enveloped…

Robin felt his arm hook around her back, felt the chill of the beer bottle he held as it bumped her side. Then he was stroking her hair, close, so close as she buried her face in his neck.

This wasn't a thank-you hug.

She slowly pulled away to see that he was smiling - a soft, genuine smile and something twisted a little inside her stomach.

She told herself not to be so stupid. But the tingles didn't go away.

**2. Dance off**

Much later, when Barney had gone home and Lily and Marshall were saying their goodbyes, Robin went into her room, put "Let's go to the Mall" on her iPod and began to dance. At first, she just kind-of jumped up and down like a mad thing, throwing her arms and legs around, trying to burn off the tension of the last three days. Then once she got a rhythm going, she began to remember some of the old dance moves, the choreography she'd learned over an intensive twenty-four hours as a teenager and that still felt natural to her ten years later.

She was so involved that she didn't hear the door open and didn't realise anyone was there until she stopped spinning around.

"Hey," Marshall said with a wry smile. "Guess I'm not the only one who does that?"

Robin pulled out her ear-buds and laughed, her cheeks colouring. "Oh God…"

Marshall waved a hand at her. "Nah, don't be embarrassed. Just watch you don't get an injury, yeah?" He winked. He looked like he was itching to join her.

She shoved her iPod into its dock and switched it on. "I think you know this one?" She said as the poppy sound of Robin Sparkles blared from the speakers.

Marshall laughed and they both started pogo-ing, laughing hysterically and drawing the attention of Ted and Lily. "Come on guys!" Ted said, laughing.

"Marshall!" Lily protested, wrapping her coat around her. "You'll hurt yourself!"

But both of Lily and Ted started goofing around, dancing just outside the door to Robin's bedroom (avoiding Marshall's flailing limbs) and singing along to the familiar tune.

"It's a shame Barney's missing this!" Ted shouted above the music, taking Lily's hand and spinning her around. "The first live performance from Robin Sparkles since the early nineties! And it's not even in a Mall!"

Marshall slowed down a bit, gulping for air. "Yeah, that's what he must have meant!"

The track finished, to be followed by the first strains of "Sandcastles...". Robin hurriedly switched off the iPod just as Ted asked. "What's what who must have meant?"

Marshall grinned, sweating as Lily pulled him into a hug. "Barney! You know, when he said he couldn't use the footage of Robin that he already has. He must have meant the Robin Sparkles video."

Robin frowned. She'd forgotten all about that comment, what with the stress of interviews and imminent deportation. Damn Marshall and his lawyer's memory.

"Yeah, it was either that or a sex tape!" Lily declared, laughing.

Robin gulped, looking up nervously at Ted, expecting him to scowl. The whole her-and-Barney-hooking-up-thing was still a delicate subject between them.

But weirdly, Ted laughed as hard as Lily did.

**3. Ominous**

Robin went to visit Barney the next evening, to tell him all about the first meeting she'd had with her new employers. She still felt like something was lodged inside her, like something was unfinished between them.

He got her a glass of chilled white wine and sat her down on his couch. She felt a little awkward asking him about the tape, what with him just having saved her ass and everything.

"Barney…" She began, taking a large sip of her wine.

"Ooo, that sounds ominous!" He said, flippantly.

"What does?"

"That tone. Sounds ominous." He flashed her a pin-ball grin.

"Well, it's not. I just need to ask you something."

He sat back and spread his hands in front of him, casually.

"It's about that sex tape..." She began.

He was immediately alert. "Really? What sex tape? Scherbatsky… Did you make a porno? Was I right all along… God! I'm going to get Marshall back for that one… What do you think's fair? Fifteen slaps? Twenty?"

"Barney, shut up," She said, crossing her arms. "I meant the sex tape you said you have. Of _us_!"

He froze and for a split second a look of guilt flashed across his face.

"Oh my god!" She said, feeling a little ill. "You do have one!"

"No I don't."

"You do! I saw that look, Stinson. That's so gross, I can't even-"

"Robin, I _swear_ I don't have a sex tape... of _us_!" He said, his voice panicky.

"Oh really," She drawled. "So if I was to check, say, your iPhone!" She grabbed it from him and darted across the room. "I wouldn't find it on there?"

"Not of _you_!" He chased after her.

"Oh yeah?" She said, trying to navigate through the damn thing while simultaneously keeping it out of his reach. Wow, there were a lot of numbers on his phone…

"Robin, give that back…" He said in a low, dangerous tone.

"What's this?" She said, flipping through the videos. Ew! And Ew! "Barney, it's not as if you haven't shown me videos of your skanky bimbos before…"

"Robin, I'm serious. Give it back!" He lunged at her just as she saw her own face on the screen for a split second and he grabbed at the phone. It flew out of her hands and time seemed to slow down as both of their eyes followed its path through the air until it smashed against the wall.

"Oh. God…" She said, hand covering her mouth.

Barney bent down to pick up the pieces. He looked utterly bereft.

Robin found herself giggling, partly out of hysteria, partly out of guilt. "Oh, dear lord. Barney, I'm so sorry."

He stood there, looking at the broken phone in his hands, not at her.

She shrugged. "But hey, you deserved that. I saw my face on your phone. I want the original copy of that sex tape and I want it now."

Barney shook his head. "Wasn't a sex tape."

She scowled at him. "Barney…"

Barney sighed and dropped the broken iPhone into the trash can. "Robin, I promise you. I never made a sex tape of us."

"Then what was that-?"

"One of your crappy teenage pop star videos, probably…" His voice was dull, weird.

"Barney!"

He looked up sharply and frowned. "It was probably one of your old Metro News One shows."

"What?" She laughed. "Why would you have those on your phone?" She moved closer to him with a neutral expression. She wasn't sure that she believed anything he was saying.

He closed his eyes briefly. "I downloaded a couple. You know, to see if there was anything salvageable for your video resume."

It was a lie, she knew. You couldn't download her old news reports from anywhere. They weren't worth the network archiving them! But Robin didn't call him on it. Barney looked so strange. So awkward. Like he had been a few weeks before when she and Ted had hooked up.

Something tickled the edge of her consciousness. Something just out of reach.

"Uh, right…" She said, shrugging. "So, no sex tape."

"No sex tape," He said with a slight smile that would have made her suspicious even without him freaking out about his phone.

"Okay, well… I guess I gotta go…" She said, backing away. "I'll uh, see you tonight?"

He shrugged. "Sure. See you around Scherbatsky."

She couldn't just leave it like this. "And hey, now I've got this new job, I'll replace your phone, okay?"

He looked confused then shook his head. "Nah, work'll take care of that. Don't stress it."

She stood and looked at him. She felt a weight between them - of stuff that was unresolved. What she wanted to do was give him a goodbye hug. What she wanted was tingles.

What she did was turn around and walk out the door with a casual wave.

She got a text from him about five minutes after she left his place so she called him. "Wow, new cellphone already? That was fast..."

She could practically hear him grin. "Robin... didn't you hear? I'm _awesome_."

Robin laughed fondly. Perhaps tingles were a bad thing. There were a hell of a lot of numbers in his phone. "You know, I did hear that somewhere." She grinned. "You're a good friend, Barney."

He snorted. "A good friend who happens to have a sex tape of you..." She could hear something in the background. It sounded like... heavy breathing... Son of a bitch!

"Barney-!"

"Robin, I'm kidding!" He laughed. "Jesus, you're no fun any more!"

"I'm going to get you for that!"

"Promises, promises..." He said with a filthy chuckle.

It gave her tingles. God damn it!


	14. Narnia

**Narnia - Episode 15 (The Stinsons)**

That night, when Robin went to bed (shivering, because their heating had broken down completely) she had the strangest dream.

She was back in Barney's apartment, trying on a number of increasing elaborate and bizarre "costumes" in order to make her stupid resume video. She was freezing cold.

"Barney!" She called out, her voice sounding strangely hollow in his suit-room. "Crank up the heating, would ya?"

"Hey baby! Don't need no heat but my body heat. What up!" His voice seemed very far away.

Robin shook herself, scowling, and searched through his huge closet for something a little warmer to wear. As she delved through the racks and racks of Armani, Gucci, Paul Smith and Prada, her fingers brushed against something warm and soft and very inviting. Something _fluffy_. She pushed through, noticing a crunching sound beneath her feet.

"Did you break a glass in here?" She shouted. It seemed very unlike him. His place was so meticulously clean and neat.

But as she moved forward, the floor became more and more uneven, finally loosening to bare earth below her feet as she thrust herself physically between a rack of suits to get to the soft, warm thing. Boy, this closet went on forever! How big _was_ this room?

For a moment, Robin felt claustrophobic. It was as if she was surrounded by, crowded by, _suffocated by_ a weight of hanging material. She could almost imagine that the empty arms of each jacket were reaching for her! Just as she was starting to really freak herself out, she broke through the wall of clothing to find herself in the middle of-

Hold it right there, mister!

No way!

What she found was a forest clearing (a _snowy_ forest clearing). What the hell was a _snowy forest clearing_ doing in Barney's _closet_?

"What the f-?" She said, just as the sound of splashing and distant, girlish, laughter, drifted through the trees towards her.

Robin was reluctant to leave the clearing and step into the trees. She didn't have her gun and there could very well be wild animals in there.

Then she heard Barney's low, dirty chuckle and she set her jaw, marching through the trees and using the sound of laughter to navigate. She practically ran straight into-

Whoa, hang on. That wasn't right.

There was a huge, wooden Jacuzzi in the middle of the forest.

A Jacuzzi whose occupants seemed to be… Barney and a girl. Naked. Barney was in a Jacuzzi, making out with a very naked… No! it was the _Lottery Girl_.

Ew!!

Seriously?

She put her hands on her hips. "What the _hell_, Barney?" She raged.

"Wha-?" He managed to tear himself from the collagen-enhanced lips and silicon-enhanced breasts. "Oh, hey Robin!" He grinned, impishly, as if glad that she'd caught him.

Robin fumed. The steam from the hot, bubbly water was making her eyes sting. "What _is_ this?"

"Well, I had to keep my Jacuzzi somewhere…" He said, giving her a wink.

"No, I mean… Jesus! You're supposed to be helping me with my resume!"

Barney laughed. "But this _is_ helping! There's nothing hotter than a naked chick in a Jacuzzi. The offers will come flying in!"

"What? But I'm not even…" She saw red, ripping off her jacket and lunging towards him. She overbalanced when the blonde bimbo seemed to be no longer there and she sank into the hot water with a yelp...

...and suddenly he was all over her - lips, tongue, one hand squeezing her bare breast under the bubbling water (how in the hell did he get her naked?) and for a moment, she felt like she was drowning again, suffocating in his mouth, his sweat-beaded flesh, his hand cupping the back of her neck…

Then everything went kind-of twisty and warm and silent and dark and they were kissing (well, she was kissing him _back_) but the word _kissing_ didn't seem to cover it, not the combination of battling tongues and tangling fingers and panting _need_…

Robin woke suddenly, sitting bold upright in bed. The sunlight was streaming through the window and for a moment, she panicked, thinking she'd overslept. But no, it was Saturday. She wasn't working today.

And…

Crap.

That dream…?

Her cellphone was buzzing somewhere under her hip. She fished around for it, trying not to expose any skin to the cold air, already feeling a chill on her forehead. She wrapped her comforter tightly around her as she accepted the call, eyelids still glued half-shut.

"Hey," A sleepy voice said over the speaker.

Robin frowned, then checked her display. Then re-checked it. "Barney?"

"Robin?" He said, in exactly the same tone.

"Barney! What's up?" She clicked her tongue.

"Nothin'…" There was silence. Then more silence.

"Are you okay?"

"Hmm? Ugh. Yes. Uh…" His voice was so muffled, so could barely hear him.

"Do you have someone in bed with you?" She rolled her eyes.

"Duh, _no_!" He laughed.

"Barney, why are you ringing me at…" She groaned, "whatever time it is in the morning?"

There was a sigh and more silence. She could swear she heard him shrug. "It's just…" He began, then there was another sigh. "Yesterday was pretty weird."

"I guess. Wait, what measure of weirdness are we using? Your normal level of weird? Or everyone else's?"

"Robin, you are a wicked, wicked woman." More silence. He sounded - not _weird_, because that word really _was_ overused with respect to him - he sounded… sad… considered… thoughtful?

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. And I'm sorry…" Another sigh.

"Sorry for what?" Her mind immediately latched on to the Jacuzzi thing. The _dream_ Jacuzzi thing. That was a _dream_! Jesus!

"Just… My Mom, you know…"

With a sudden insight, she got it. She understood what was bugging him. They'd stumbled into something private of his - like that time, many years ago, when Lily had found that video tape of him crying at his old college girlfriend.

"I'm sorry about my Mom, okay? She's-"

"You don't have to apologise, Barney!" Robin said, hurriedly. "Jeez, if you ever met my Dad, you'd literally-"

"Father issues, hot!"

"Barney, focus!"

"Heh…"

"Why are you sorry about your Mom? She was…" Robin thought about it. What _was_ Barney's Mom? It was strange but, although Lily, Marshall and Ted had all seemed taken by her, Robin had found the woman strangely difficult to talk to. She didn't dislike her, exactly. It was just she seemed to jar with Robin's expectations. She'd imagined Barney's Mom was more… _fun!_... from the brief conversations she'd overheard Barney having with her in the past. "She was sweet…" Robin said, hurriedly, realising that her hesitation probably sounded rude.

"She's great, once you get to know her."

"I'm sure she is." Robin frowned. What in the hell was that all about?

"I want her to like you- Um, _all_ of you. All my _friends_. I want her to like all my friends!" Barney's voice had become a bit shrill for the last couple of words. This all sounded pretty important to him, but Robin didn't really relish the idea of spending any more time with his Mom. "I get that…"

"I wondered if… that is… do you think you'd come to dinner next Sunday?" Barney stuttered.

Robin chuckled under her breath. She had to admit that he was being pretty damn adorable, and it lessened her own ambivalence a little. "Yeah, why not?"

"Great!" He said, a little too enthusiastically.

"I'll ask Ted, see if he's free?"

"Huh?"

Robin rolled her eyes. "How much did you drink last night? I'll ask Ted when I see him today. Find out if he's okay to go to your Mom's next Sunday for dinner."

"Oh. Ted. Right." Barney sounded oddly disappointed.

"I thought you wanted us to come?"

"Yeah… Uh, Yeah! Yeah! That's great!" There was that hysterical edge to his voice again. Robin shook her head.

"Okay, look, I've got to get out of bed…"

"Hot."

"…and into some clothes…"

"Not so hot."

"…or maybe take a shower…"

"Listening…"

"Barney!"

"See you tonight, Robin. MacLaren's at eight?"

"Wouldn't miss it. See ya." She hung up and pulled the covers up over her head, groaning. She toyed with the idea of trying to grab some more sleep. It was a luxury to sleep in, one she wouldn't be able to indulge in very often in the coming months.

If only she had someone warm in bed beside her.

Robin smiled, clutching an armful of comforter and pulling it close, imagining bare skin, a lean, well-muscled back, pressing her lips into warm flesh, the faint whiff of cigar smoke in her nostrils, his skin tasting faintly of vanilla and bergamot and fine single malt scotch.

Robin fell asleep, and into a world of hot, bubbling water and long, languid kisses and the cold, hard world just melted away like the snow on the sidewalk.


	15. Ridiculous

**Ridiculous - Episode 16 - Sorry, bro**

There were so many things about Scherbatsky that Barney didn't get.

How could she just _lose_ a gun? You did not just accidentally leave a gun at some random hook-up's place. A tie, yes. A sock, maybe. But a _gun_? Guns were complicated and were really _dangerous_. The two guns he owned were kept in safe places, checked regularly and came with a surprising number of permits. You didn't jerk around with the Fed; at least, not without a very, very good reason. Robin was just so… irresponsible… sometimes. If she got arrested and deported back to Canada, he'd never forgive her.

And exactly how was a monkey in a tuxedo (even in two tuxes) funnier than _Marshall forgetting his pants_? To _work_? Then wearing _shredded pants_?

Barney had to take a deep breath and steady himself at the mere thought.

It was like he didn't know her at all sometimes.

He sighed heavily, letting himself back into his apartment. Ted had (drunkenly) tried to insist that he stayed with him, but spending more than five minutes alone with Karen in their living room had been enough to give Barney hives. Plus, Barney Stinson did not sleep on his Bro's couch and have to listen to his Bro's sex noises. No way, Jose.

So here he was, four thirty in the morning, too wired to sleep, too tired to work, too tired even jerk off. There was really only one option.

Shoes off, TV on.

Channel twelve, _Come On, Get Up New York_, here we come!

And that was another thing about Scherbatsky that Barney didn't get. How was it possible that, at four thirty in the morning, she still looked so goddamned beautiful?

He stared at the screen for long minutes (until his eyes began to water) before giving up and heading for the shower with a grunt. He recorded Robin's show every day on TIVO anyway. And he saw her practically every day in the flesh. Yet still she had the power to hypnotise him, to captivate him, to make him smile and sigh and lose himself in those deep blue eyes.

He loosened his tie, pulling it off and looping it over the hanger, his fingers tracing the nap of the silk. A memory popped into his head, of how her hair had felt beneath his hand when he'd held her close. If they could make ties out of Scherbatsky's hair, some dude would make a fortune.

When he'd held her close, he'd breathed her in and tried to crystallise that memory - to hold onto it - like a starving man savouring a tiny scrap of bread.

And that was the thing that he _really_ didn't get about Robin Scherbatsky, the thing that definitely bugged him the most: How could it be that she was completely and utterly oblivious to how he really felt about her? After all the women he'd tricked into loving him, how ridiculously ironic was it that the one woman who he actually cared about was so utterly blind to the fact that he loved her?

Although given her inexplicable sense of humour, that was probably a good thing.


	16. TiVo

**TiVo**

**1. Never seen it**

Barney's favourite part of Robin's new show (although he'll die before he'll admit to having seen it) is the cooking segment. He loves seeing Robin get flustered because she always starts goofing around. Peppy, giggling Robin is very different from the Robin who collapses next to him at the bar, flashes him a cynical smile and looks like she's running hard on adrenalin and caffeine.

Wait.

Backing up…

Did he just think the word "love" again?

Barney's lips twitch into a smile. Damn, he thought he was over that.

Again.

Still, he thinks, as he stretches back in his bed, wrapping his comforter around him (single blanket in winter? Please!) at least he gets to see her every day.

Thumbing a button on the remote control, Barney squints as the wall opposite his bed flickers into life and he scrolls through the previous week's programmes. Damn! The TIVO was nearly full again.

DVD archive time…

He's just pondered a new filing system for his home-made DVD collection (Alphabetical by title? Battlestar, Bimbos, COGUNK, Lost, Metro News One, Résumés, Tokyo Ichi…) when his hand strays beneath his nightshirt (night _shirt_!), fingers travelling across his thigh, higher and higher. As Robin appears on the screen his hand freezes in place.

Whoa there!

Was he just going to jerk off while watching her lame middle-of-the-night show?

He tells himself it's a reflex action due to the ease of access (damn nightshirt) and scratchs his balls instead.

After five minutes, he turns off the TV with a scowl.

_Way to ruin the moment, Stinson. _

Five minutes after that, the TV is back on and he's down on his knees beside his wall-of-porn, looking for a decent Bimbo DVD to watch. In another ten, he's given up and settled on watching Battlestar Galactica instead. Hot chicks, no guilt, raptor/cylon fire-fights. Perfect masturbation material.

Thank god for TIVO.

**2. Deal **

And somehow Barney managed to get a copy of her amazing Friday morning show (because he knows a guy) and so they all watch it on Sunday, complete with popcorn (Marshall), ribs (Ted) and a bottle of scotch (Barney).

Lily still looked twitchy, Robin thought, running around being super-nice to Ted because that annoying, horrible Karen-girl dumped him. Ted didn't seem too cut up about the whole thing (which was sweet) and was shouting and screaming with enthusiastic laughter right along with everyone else. By the end of the broadcast, they were all whooping and hollering, demanding to see it again.

"Everyone say their favourite bit!" Barney yelled out, bouncing up and down on his seat. "Mine was the bit where Robin delivered the baby! Midwives are hot! Ted?"

Ted flashed her a smile. It was great, how they'd eased into this friendship thing. "When she saved the weather guy's life." Robin sat up a little taller. He was being so… sweet.

Crap.

Was that the second time she'd thought the word "sweet"?

Was she still in love with Ted?

Robin swallowed a swig of beer, trying to hide how much this weird-ed her out. It was just… her luck with guys had been… well, lately it had sucked. And the job - her schedule was just brutal. And then there had been that deal.

Christ, would she be really be that desperate to get married by the time she was forty? She started to feel panicky. Were she and Ted going to be like Ted and Karen, breaking up and getting back together over and over, stuck on repeat like an old TV show recorded on TIVO, no deviation... no hope of change?

"So, honey…" Lily was saying to Barney. "I hear that Marshall's talked you round into approving of marriage now?"

Robin looked up sharply.

"What!?" Ted shouted, looking incredulous.

Barney's expression flickered from sheer panic to mock-casual and back again so many times that he looked like he might have a stroke any minute. "No! No no no no no! That's ridiculous, no! I never said-"

Lily chuckled and Marshall beamed. "Oh, say what you want _now_, buddy, cos you wanna look mean in front of the cool kids…?"

"Marshall, leave him alone-" Robin interjected.

"But we both know that you're a hopeless romantic at heart, Barney. And you just want to wake up next to the woman you love every morning for the rest of your life…"

Lily said "Awwww!"

Ted looked insufferably smug.

And Barney… Barney looked…

There were really no words to describe how Barney looked. Somewhat terrified, somewhat disgusted but also just a tiny bit hopeful. Robin could decipher every flicker, every nuance, because it was exactly what she felt when Ted had suggested they move to Argentina and have kids. She and Ted just wanted different things at such a basic, instinctive level. She had the feeling he'd still try and change her, get her to settle down, if he could.

She looked over at Ted and she could faintly hear the sound of glass shattering at the realisation. She guessed she really, finally and at long last _was_ over him.


	17. Canadian Sex Acts

**Episode 18 - Old King Clancy - Canadian Sex Acts**

She should never have told them her story. It was a pretty sweet story, but now all they could do was obsess about sex. And, okay, they always obsessed about sex but now it was Canadian sex and they (by they, read Lily) just wouldn't let it lie. They seemed determined to find out every detail of every single Candian sex act, and also if Robin had any personal experience.

"Halifax fudge backer!" Lily shrieked. "Come on! Robin! Halifax fudge backer!"

Barney snorted. "Are you kidding? For that one you need at least two dudes!" He coughed and quickly looked away.

Robin laughed. "Nope. And I don't suppose my asking you really nicely would stop this?"

Marshall shook his head. "She's built up a head of steam now. Whoa there, honey. You'll get tummy ache."

Lily shrugged him off. "Montreal Petting Zoo?"

Robin grinned. "Actually, that one I have done."

Barney's lips twitched and he shifted in his seat beside her.

"Really? Did it involve…" Lily's voice dropped to a loud-whisper. "…animals?"

Robin giggled.

"Oh my god!"

Robin swore that if Lily's eyes got any wider they'd pop right out of her head.

"One Tusked Walrus!" Ted said, sitting down at the head of the table.

Robin practically choked on her drink.

"Strike one!" Marshall yelled, giving Ted a high five.

Barney rolled his eyes. "Honestly, you guys. Don't you think this is a bit cruel?" They all looked surprised, then sheepish. "Making fun of Robin's intimate sexual experiences?" He continued, "asking her questions about every facet of her sensual awakening in the frozen north? Getting her to describe the whos, the wheres, the whats and the what-withs? Getting her to reveal exactly what she put in-"

"This is really turning you on isn't it?" Robin interrupted him.

Barney shook himself and laughed. "You got me!"

Everyone groaned and Lily kicked him under the table. "Great, now you've ruined it. Only you could out-sleaze canadian sex acts dot org!"

And with that, the conversation swiftly turned to other things - mainly Ted's venture into life as a small businessman - which would have been weary enough when Robin was dating him but now was almost insanely boring.

Robin almost wished Ted would shout out "Salty Prime Minister" so that she could be justified in hurting him in order to shut him up.

Later, when the others had finally left, Barney provided her with far more entertainment. He would sometimes stay up late with her, waiting until it was time for her to head off to work before (no doubt) rounding up some stray, drunken bimbo to have sex with.

"So…" He said, some time around the small hours.

"So?" She repeated, sipping her coffee.

"Old King Clancy…?"

She shrugged.

"You really turned down Old King Clancy? You? Robin Scherbatsky?"

She laughed nervously, shifting in her seat.

"Ever actually done it?" He asked with an evil grin.

Robin brushed the hair away from her face, not answering.

"Thought not." He reached under the table and produced a small bottle of maple syrup.

Robin swallowed. She couldn't help it, it took her back. Barney was right - there were a few things that she liked about sex - okay, _loved_ about sex. And she had a really, really sweet tooth. "You actually are Satan…" She said and she could feel the hot flush rise up her throat, colouring her cheeks.

"You wanna?" He asked, grinning that dimpled grin that said "sex is fun!" She'd seen that grin before.

"God I wanna, but-" She checked her watch. "I gotta go!"

"Damn!" He said, good-naturedly. "So close!"

"I'll take a rain check on that, lover-boy!" She winked as she got up, gathering her bags.

"Hey, you need some help with those?" He said, on his feet in an instant. It was weird how he could do that - flip-flop from man-whore to gentleman in the blink of an eye.

"Thanks…"

He followed her outside and hailed her a cab. "What the hell is in these anyway?"

"Ach, just some stuff for the broadcast. I'm guessing you'll be watching over tonight's bimbo's shoulder if you can get her to do The Full Mountie?"

He laughed, loading her bags into the trunk. "You betcha!" He smiled as she stepped back, bumping into him. For an instant - for a fraction of a second - there were nose to nose and she had the strangest urge to kiss him.

But then the moment passed and she threw herself into the cab.

"Break a leg!" He yelled as she closed the door.

And as she riffled through her purse, her fingers met something cold and smooth. She pulled it out.

It was the bottle of maple syrup.


	18. Too Old

Episode 19 - Murtaugh

**Too old**

**1. Four day weekend. **

He feels it. Every inch, every yard, every mile. He feels every _year_ between them.

He's too old for Robin.

The seconds, minutes, hours, days… they all wear him down, so heavy on his shoulders that his spine has twisted under the pressure. His back is on fire and it's agony, raging agony.

He blames the hospital.

Bad memories, remembering the knee that was damaged so badly when the bus hit. Now he's blown it out, clowning around to impress _her_ because she's showing him the first bit of attention he's gotten since he hit himself in the eye.

Does he have to kill himself to win her love?

Love. Such a stupid, pointless, saccharine word when here he stands (hobbles), crippled by feelings, bowed down by fate and time and his own choices.

She's never going to love him back.

So he chugs the pills they give him and he screams at her to buy him scotch but nothing's going to dampen the acid burn inside of him.

He's too old for her.

**2. Vostok of love**

She can't believe it was the warm beer that did him in. And now he's being too proud, to stubborn, to damn _awkward_ to accept her help.

But regardless of what he wants or needs, Robin shimmies her shoulder under Barney's arm and supports him through the doorway and into his apartment, because if she doesn't he looks like he's going to collapse. She expected him to be a crappy patient but this is worse than the whiney child he becomes when he's sick. The whole time in the ER he just sat there and glowered. He didn't even seem embarrassed by the stupid clothes they're both wearing.

Part of her's all like: Get over it, man! He spent the entire summer in traction. This should be a walk in the park for him. But he can barely move and it's all she can do to get him on the bed and on to his back, his teeth clenched, jaw fixed, his eyes tightly shut as he holds on to the pain.

It's creeping her out. When did he suddenly get so fucking stoic?

"You want a drink?" She says, keeping her voice casual. She fetches him whiskey without waiting for a reply and watches him knock it back, awkwardly, although he's never going to ask her for help.

"You want me to stay?" She says, in a mock-baby voice because it's _them_ and they don't do sappy. "I can get a cab."

He shakes his head. "It's late. Crash here if you want. I won't even ask for sexual favours in return."

She laughs. He doesn't even crack a smile.

"You can sleep on the couch," he says, grouchily.

"Are you kidding?" She snorts, looking down at him. "What kind of gentleman are you?"

He looks weirdly broken, his limbs splayed out awkwardly, his features twisted in pain. It gives her a jolt and she's spooked by a memory, of how scared she'd felt all those months ago when they'd first heard he'd about his accident. Because this is Barney and he's so full of life that she can't imagine losing him.

Plus he looks fucking ridiculous in those clothes. So she helps him out of them and he's too tired and stoned from the pain pills put up much of a fight as she climbs on the bed beside him. "You gonna get under the covers?" She quirks an eyebrow

Predictably, he groans. "Hand job?" He asks her, but his game-face is flickering, showing something softer, more human underneath.

"You're keeping your shorts on, lover-boy," she tells him. She wants to stay, to keep an eye on him, fuss him like he's her little brother. Make him take the antibiotics and the cocktail of other drugs they gave him at the hospital. It's weird that all the doctors seemed to be on first name terms with him.

That's his gift, she guesses. The Barney-factor.

He sighs. "Tell me a story?"

Se laughs at that, because he's returning to normal after the earlier weirdness. It's probably because the drugs are kicking in. "What kind of story do you want?" She asks, pulling off the ridiculous pink wig, being extra careful of his bandaged right ear.

(She still thinks he should have actually dyed his hair)

"Sexy story…" He slurs into the pillow.

"Okay," she says, settling down next to him. "Okay, there were these two girls…" But before she can get any further, she hears a snuffling sound and his breathing's slowed right down. She smiles fondly as he falls into a peaceful slumber.

**3. The devil behind my smile**

_Does she feel any remorse at all?_ He thinks. _Any guilt?_

No, of course not. He'll never let her see that she needs to.

But she's his partner-in-crime, his sponsor-in-foolishness and so maybe she's partly to blame. Maybe her tacit approval is what's allowed him to get away with being an immature jerk for so long.

None of them really call him on it, the pranks, the schemes, the dizzying heights and the horrifying lows. None of them do, especially not her. She's the one who chuckles along with him, her evil laugh matching his evil laugh.

Mwhahaha for Mwahaha.

And maybe that's why she can never love him? She sees the devil in him and it doesn't scare her away. But who wants to live with the devil?

His dreams are odd hallucinations, he keeps drifting between wakefulness and slumber, the hours dragging by, feeling her beside him and unable to do anything. Is this them now? Has he fallen into purgatory? The dreaded "friendship" zone? Does she see him as nothing but a tame fucking puppy-dog?

Whatever.

He's too old for this shit.

**4. If**

He wakes up stiff. He makes some joke about that, but it's half-hearted.

"What do you normally do on a Sunday morning?" She asks him.

He's silent, chewing the inside of his cheek. She's just about to repeat the question when he says what she thinks sounds like "go running". She asks him to repeat it because she both can and can't imagine him doing that. Running.

"Strippers," he says, more loudly.

She punches him lightly on the arm and he winces.

"Massage," he holds up a hand to fend her off. "Seriously. Helps with the joint pain."

He doesn't elaborate so she assumes that's part of the physiotherapy that he never gave up and suddenly it peeks her curiosity. "Let me?" She suggests.

"Let you what?"

"Give you a massage?"

He gives her an odd look, like two different expressions are holding a pitched battle on his face. Finally the leer wins out.

"Seriously. I dated a few hockey players in my time who picked up back problems and the like. I have serious skillz."

His lips twitch into a smirk. "Skillz with a Z?"

She nods.

He stretches out his arms, his lips pulling back over his teeth as the waves of pain hit him. "I'm all yours."

She straddles him, perching her behind on his thighs as she gets to work on his arms and shoulder, kneading the flesh, working at the knots of tension and soothing his injuries, old and knew. At first he just stares at her boobs like a kid who's being told he can have his candy only if he finishes up his supper. But after a while he closes his eyes and drifts away.

She's good at this.

She encourages him to roll over, firmly, gently, and she starts on his back. He's lean and lightly muscled like a gymnast, broad shoulders tapering down to a trim waist, tight butt, firm thighs. She explores every inch of him, sometimes pounding, sometimes with the lightest of touches. She feels where the muscle is torn in his back and he barely makes a whimper. His knee is fucked. He'll be hobbled for days.

She wonders vaguely if he'll use the injuries to get laid.

Although he won't get much action with his back in that condition.

And the thought sends her mind in weird directions where there's baby oil and it's her tongue tracing it's way across the planes and dips of his body, followed by her lips and teeth. And she imagines she's got him in her mouth, sucking him down hard because she knows just how he likes it but before he can come she's on top of him and riding, riding him…

Her hands freeze over the waistband of his shorts as she hears his sharp intake of breath. She's conscious of the warmth between her legs, the insistent throb.

She pats him on the shoulders, all businesslike. "Better?" She asks.

"Better," he groans. "God that's better…"

"Get up then," she orders him. "Take a really hot shower before your muscles seize up again?"

There's a pause. "Gimme a minute…" he says, his voice sounding weird.

"Barney, I'm not joking," she says.

"I said gimme a minute!" He barks at her.

And then she gets it.

Embarrassed, she swallows, gets to her feet and heads for the shower instead.

**5. Colorado Beetle**

He does feel better.

After jerking off in the shower, he feels a million times better - brighter, more optimistic.

When he gets out, Robin has somehow found one of his yoga videos. She's watching it with vague interest, trying to copy some of the forms.

He should explain, tell her that the videos are therapy, that he got them after the accident and never stopped using them once he realised how relaxed they made him.

Instead he laughs. "Stupid Korean porn site. Sent me the wrong thing."

She shrugs as if she doesn't care, still striking a pose, a delighted smile plastered across her face. He should be embarrassed but he isn't.

"You wanna do it together?" She asks him.

It's his turn to shrug, but he's soon standing beside her, following the screen, his body adjusting to a ritual it's carried out a thousand times before.

"Yoga… You really are ten percent girl, aren't you?" She laughs at him, making him lose his balance during The Tree.

He should tell her to get lost, to get out, because she's screwing with the single calm place he has left.

But he doesn't. He sucks it up. Because he doesn't want her to leave.


	19. Work or pleasure?

**Work or pleasure?**

##Author's warning - part 3 is smutty.

##

**1. Obvious**

"Look at her! She's the greatest woman on the planet!"

Marshall frowned. For, like, the millionth time he couldn't believe that Barney was being quite that obvious. Occasionally he'd seen his friend slip, and it was easy to put it down to Barney being… well, _Barney_. The dude had developed enough ticks and weirdness this year that he could pretty much come out and say he loved Robin and no-one would even notice.

Come to think of it, he _had_. That time they'd been talking about Robin and Ted's "deal". It had been shortly after Lily had told him that Barney was in love with her.

Barney Stinson, in love…

It had been just before Christmas - when they'd all got into that Naked Man thing, when he'd _Called Slut_ on Robin.

_"I just don't get it." Marshall had ranted to Lily. "Robin's an attractive woman. Why doesn't she get herself a boyfriend?" _

_"Well sweetie, she's just not that into the whole monogamy thing right now. She wants to Woo. She wants to play the field, have a good time." _

_He'd scowled. "Jesus, she's gonna turn into Barney!" _

_Lily had giggled. _

_"What was that?" He'd asked her. _

_"What was what?"_

_"That giggle!"_

_"What giggle?" She giggled again. _

_"Lilypad… You're acting really we-"_

_"Barney's in love with Robin!"_

_His jaw had practically hit the floor. _

And Marshall wasn't mad at his wife. He was actually kind of proud of her. She's kept Barney's secret for a whole two months (which was a record) and he'd never suspected.

Christmas was the hardest time. Lily had been terrified that she was going to blurt it out. At first, Marshall thought that might be a good thing. But then he saw Robin's reaction when Barney had been sleazing on Heather Mosby's Christmas card: Disgust, frustration and acceptance - certainly no jealousy. Perhaps Robin just wasn't that into him.

So he'd given Lily the instruction to just blurt out random secrets whenever she felt Barney's one rise up in her throat. And it had been really funny - especially when she'd told them all the awesome secret of their new mailman (...woman? It was so hard to tell these days).

But now, Marshall felt kind of sad for Barney, and he'd asked Lil if there wasn't some way they could help the whole thing along. The "sitting together on the other side of the booth" thing wasn't working, so what could they try?

_"Oh, I don't know honey." Lily had said. "Maybe I'm the wrong person to be advising Barney. I don't speak dude."_

_Marshall had shrugged. "Well, I could help. If only he'd tell me?"_

_Lily had let out a long sigh. "He'd never tell you."_

_"He'd tell me if you went away for a while."_

_"Oh, Marshmallow!"_

_"Relax, babe. We just need to find a way for you not to talk to Barney for a while. I'm sure he'd break down and talk to me instead, soon as the next guy hits on Robin."_

_Lily had looked reluctant, but they'd hatched their plan. _

_Now all they had to do was wait._

"I'm in love with… TED… having sex with women! I'm a very dedicated wingman!"

The sweet thing was that Marshall could see how much Barney was flailing, how super-obvious he was being. But he played it gently. Barney would tell him eventually, Marshall just really hoped it was soon.

Cos Barney and Robin would make _the_ cutest couple in history.

**2. Magic Guy**

"Hey Sport's Guy, Magic Guy!" Billson said as he poked his head into Marshall's office, where Marshall and Barney were watching the latest viral youtube video clip.

"Magic Guy?" Marshall mouthed, but Barney waved him away.

"Hey Billson, you seen this video of the really, really fat chick sitting on a pole?" Barney sniggered and Marshall rolled his eyes. He'd never met someone who was more easily pleased than Barney had the sense of humour of a nine-year-old kid.

"Yep, Youtube Guy showed it to us in the Kasaki meeting!" Billson said casually, dropping a pile of files into Marshall's in-tray.

"In the Kasaki meeting?" Marshall asked, a little outraged. "Dude, isn't that a little inappropriate?"

Barney rolled his eyes and punched Marshall in the shoulder. "Be fun!" He growled under his breath. "Remember, they're laying off peeps today!"

Marshall swallowed. "I mean… awesome… dude…" He said unenthusiastically. Billson flashed him a grin and left.

"You gotta stop doing that!" Barney said with an edge of annoyance in his voice.

"Doing what?"

"Being so judgemental."

Marshall was about to argue the point when he remembered something Billson had said. "Hold on - _Magic Guy_?"

Barney waved his hands in front of him in a faux-casual way. "Meh…"

"Barney!"

"Okay! Okay!" Barney replied. "Before I was Knows Too Many Secrets Guy, when I first started out here, I used to do magic tricks. You know. It was my Thing. Pretty successful it was, too! Survived a year of layoffs before I got the silver briefcase. Billson was a junior here then so he remembers."

Marshall sniggered. "Magic Guy? That's totally lame."

"Is not! It's awesome."

"Lame!"

"Awesome!"

Marshall just smirked.

Under his breath, Barney muttered. "Just don't tell Robin, okay?"

**3. Submission**

_He buckled a collar around her throat, his blue eyes boring into hers. He pulled it just a little too tight, so that she could barely breathe. When she started to wheeze, he loosened it. _

_"I control… everything…" He whispered. "Everything you do… feel… Even when you take a breath."_

_She strained against the bonds that shackled her to the bed, glad he's left her in her bra and panties, even though the underwear felt like a flimsy defence against him. Sure enough, he soon had one hand inside the lace of her bra, tweaking a nipple into hardness, pinching it until she was writhing to his touch. She let out a moan._

_"Do I have to gag you?" He asked, his voice taking on a hard edge. _

_She shook her head, mute for a moment. Jesus, he was so hot! Why had she never seen it before in him? Who knew that beneath the cologne and the Armani and the jokes beat the heart of a sadist? _

_He held his belt in his hands, fingers sliding along the leather, manicured nails picking irritably at the metal buckle. _

_"You've been a bad girl…"_

_She nodded. _

_He dangled the belt over her belly, letting the buckle run across her skin, down between her legs. She flinched as she felt the it move against her panties. She closed her eyes as he reached down and ripped them off. _

_The metal buckle felt cold. He jiggled it until she cried out, throbbing, burning hot as his fingers replaced the belt, probing her, brutally invasive. _

_Then he knelt between her legs. _

_She wanted him, so much. She wanted him but she couldn't move. He was in control. He could withhold her pleasure, deny it… or he could grant it. He could blow her mind with a whisper, with a word, with a touch, with a lash…_

_He brought the belt down, viciously hard, against her torso and she screamed…_

Robin sat bold upright in bed, sweat beading her brow, her body pulsing and her heart pounding in the aftershock of the imaginary pain.

Shit…

She really had to go back to the doctor about those sleeping pills.


	20. My Insignificant Other

**My insignificant other** - Episode 21 - The Three Days Rule

Robin thinks she's been spending far too much time with Barney Stinson.

When did she go from groaning at his jokes, to laughing hysterically at them? And when did she start actually sounding like him? When did she start expecting high fives and getting a little peeved when she doesn't get them?

Oh god, she's turning into him!

How did this happen?

Trouble is, she's been noticing more and more that she kind-of agrees with the Barney Stinson philosophy of life. It's always been at her core - an independent spirit, a self-reliance - but she's been a little… apologetic… for it somehow. It's like, girls are supposed to behave in a certain way. And if you like a guy and you want a bit of romance, you have to pretend to like things you don't: Couple-y stuff, plans for the future… Certainly Ted, her only _real_ boyfriend, really wanted that stuff. Perhaps everyone else did? Perhaps it was just her…

But Barney didn't. Being with Barney makes it okay to scoff at the ridiculousness of dating. When he's in full flight, like with his Jesus theory, it's like watching some stand-up comedian do his thing. He's just really, really funny and light and carefree there's no side to it, no deeper meaning.

And maybe Barney's been a _bit_ weird lately, but then so's she. It's ups and downs when the only person you can rely on is yours truly. You kind-of have to be your own thermometer.

Trouble is, she's reminded how far she's drifted into the Barney-zone only when she's outside of his sphere of influence - which, to be honest, doesn't stretch very far once the man himself has left the building. Yesterday, she cracked a joke with Ted - a crude, inappropriate joke - and the guy had barely smiled. Barney would have been whooping.

She kind of misses the Barney-zone when Barney's not there.

And when did this happen?

When did she go from being appalled and slightly amused by him, to acting like him?

*--*--*

Barney thinks he's in love with the idea of being with in love.

That's just the thing, see? Romance, seduction, all that crap, that's what excites him, that's what inspires him, that's what makes him get out of bed in the morning.

The actual reality of love - what it leads to, a relationship, even a marriage - that reality is starkly boring and, well, pretty lame.

He knows many more couples who are miserable, who cheat on each other, who hate each other, than he knows are actually happy with the person they've voluntarily shackled themselves to.

And even in the most perfect relationship, the ideal of love, _his_ ideal, just seems to flicker and die.

Marshall and Lily are in danger of becoming boring. He hasn't even _seen_ Lil in a week.

James and Tom might as well be seventy years old and retired.

When he's seventy, Barney promises himself he's going to hire a prostitute to do… something. Whatever sex act they've invented in 2045.

Word.

But sometimes, just sometimes, something reminds him that he has a soul, that he used to believe in-

He doesn't really know what he used to believe.

Chances are, even if he'd got together with Shannon, he'd have cheated on her by now anyways. Because he doesn't really think there was so much difference between the college kid who grew his hair long and believed in free love and the suit who is awesome and believes in expensive love.

Not so different.

And yet…

Stan…

Man, that dude could wax lyrical. He's never known a man who could get any woman he wanted just by weaving words, his sultry, soothing voice floating over them until they melted under the flow. Heck, even he'd almost wanted to have sex with Stan. Even Marshall-

Although, to be fair, it never really takes much for Marshall to develop a man-crush. He was all over male Gail like a rash.

But it takes a certain kind of something to bowl Barney Stinson over. And Robin, too, so it seems.

Sad thing is, he doesn't blame her. Hell, if he'd have been born a chick (a slutty chick, what up!) he'd definitely have been crawling all over Stan's junk.

He hopes Robin enjoys herself. Really. He hopes Stan is good for her.

He's just kind of kicking himself, that's all. Because for a few moments, when he'd been caught up in Stan's words - in Pablo Naruda and the sweet, sweet agony of longing - Barney Stinson had thought of Robin Scherbatsky and…

But it was never gonna happen and it wasn't real.

He's just in love with the idea of being in love.


	21. Number 69

**Number 69**

_Episode 22 - Right Place, Right Time_

_--_

It all started out with Facebook, and a bunch of friend requests from old school buddies.

Normally, Barney wasn't the kind of dude who worried much about the online world much beyond its ability to get him laid, but one name in particular stirred up some weird memories.

_Matthew Panning._

The little shit who'd bullied him all through middle school. The little shit who'd (allegedly) given Sarah Taylor some venereal disease when he was, like, sixteen.

The little shit who'd once bragged that-

Whoa.

That night, Barney went home and wrote a list of 199 chick's names. He dug out his old college yearbook. He used the internet. None of the names were real except one. It was tough, thinking up nearly 200 imaginary names. He even sat and flipped through his scrapbook (his latest scrapbook), then this month's copy of Bro's Life and-

Oh!

Oh that was _good_.

(because, seriously, no one would really believe that he'd had sex with only 200 women)

This was better than anything he could imagine, and a perfect excuse to finally nail a supermodel. The best excuse in the world.

This was better than the old man bit. Better than trying to land a lesbian. This was the most legendary challenge ever!

Even if it was totally invented.

*--*--*

Later....

Robin leaned forward and smirked. "I was number 69?"

Barney sniggered.

"Really? You had to be that obvious?"

"Had to…" He held out his fist, which she bumped, reluctantly.

"So how many has it been, really?" She gave him _the look_.

"More than 200," he said, fiddling with the ripped up pieces of the list, moving them around the table.

"Gross," she snorted, sipping her martini. "Totally gross."

He smiled.

"And I was on there twice." Robin continued.

He laughed.

"Charley Sparkles? Really?" She chuckled.

He sat back in the seat, on arm flung over the back of the booth. "You were on there three times."

"Three? Dude!" She grabbed the pieces of the list from him and tried to put them back together, studying it intently. "Thea Musby? Lily Spalding? Marsha Derekson?" Robin began to laugh. "Are any of them real?"

"Maybe the fact that they all have last names should have cast some doubt on the list's voracity…" He said, solemnly.

"Oh man…" She laughed. "And the supermodel… Petra…"

He groaned. "Possibly the second most painful sex I've ever had. No, third most."

"Third most?" Robin stopped herself. "No, I really don't want to know."

He grinned.

"So…" Robin said, still looking for the list. "What's the next project for the great Barney Stinson?"

He cocked his head. "It's a surprise."

Robin looked up and quirked an eyebrow. "You need a wingwoman?"

"Always," He said, grinning and they clinked glasses.

*--*--*

The list was a lie, Robin thought. Okay, the list was an obvious lie; a fake. But that didn't mean that Barney wasn't a total skank whore. Yes he was. He was.

He… was.

But…

Robin knew he was also the most fun, the most inventive, the most ridiculous person she'd ever met. And he was hot, too. Super hot. Especially when he was talking about the bruises that gym-chick had given him.

Robin fanned herself and got ready to take a shower before work. She hadn't seen Ted all day - had just got a weird text saying he wasn't coming home. And sometimes she wondered what would happen if/when Ted did find "the one".

It would just be her and Barney - the two of their group who were just too chicken shit to commit to anything real.

Even each other.

Robin shook herself. Where the hell had that though come from?

She totally blamed her sleeping pills and his stupid list. What she needed was a cup of coffee. And to eat something that definitely wasn't a bagel.

Tonight was going to be a good one. The night when no one threw up, or caught on fire, or nearly died or had a baby…

Tonight was the night Barney Stinson didn't get any new material for YouTube.

And, okay, maybe if she was brutally honest with herself, the thought of that made her kind of sad.


	22. Metamorphosis

_Episode 23 - As Fast As She Can_

**Metamorphosis**

When Ted comes back into the apartment he takes one look at Robin, fist _still_ raised for a bump, and he rolls his eyes.

"Jesus," he says. "You're turning into _him_."

"Who?" Robin asks with a confident smirk. She's in a good mood today. It's Saturday which means no work, a decent sleeping schedule and she's meeting Lily in MacLaren's later. It feels like ages since they hung out together without the guys.

"Who?" She repeats, when Ted's amused expression collapses into complicated war between guilt and cover-up. He coughs and shrugs.

"No-one." Ted about-turns and heads back out the door.

"Ted," Robin says, warningly, in the same tone she used when her dogs misbehaved. With five of the suckers, she had developed a warning tone that could prime nuclear missiles in bunkers all over the freakin' country.

"Barney," Ted blurts.

"What?" Robin _wants_ to say, in a haughty and outraged tone. But it would be ridiculous to deny it because she _does_ sound exactly like Barney and it _was_ kind-of deliberate… But…! It was supposed to be a joke! And maybe there was some side to it because Barney is Ted's best friend and maybe she's missed some of their closeness since they stopped sleeping together...

Or maybe she's just aping Barney because he's funny and awesome.

Or - ohmygod, did she really just think that previous sentence without any trace of irony?

So the retort dies in her throat because Ted looks upset and confused and that's probably about Stella, not her. Robin's mind is going into overdrive right now with theories and sadness and weirdness and all that she can think of for a moment is that perhaps Ted's still a little bit in love with Stella and shouldn't that make her feel just a little bit jealous?

But no. Robin feels icky because she doesn't feel anything for Ted any more. In fact the only person who springs to mind when she even thinks the word _love_ is-

It's not love. It's just tingles and sweetness and laughter and wanting to be there with him just to watch what Barney does next. She just wants to watch the show.

The Barney show.

She wants him to tell his ridiculous dirty stories and make her snigger because his fantasy life is way, way cooler than her boring, mundane, real life.

She wants Barney to look into her eyes and whisper sweet (filthy) nothings in her ear. She wants him to-

Kiss…

Her…

Robin goes pale and stands up slowly, cricking her back.

"It was a joke Ted," she snaps. "Get over it." He shrugs, grabs his coat and keys and heads straight out.

Boy, she's got a lot of thinking to do.

*--*--*

Barney does feel bad for dragging Ted and Stella all the way out to New Jersey. But hey, it's not the first time Ted's bailed him out of jail and it won't be the last.

He's feeling a little down and Robin suggests they go play paintball, because that's the obvious thing to do when you've just lost $2,000 in one afternoon and you're kicking your feet against the ground like a sullen six-year-old.

Plus, he figures she feels kind of guilty for teaching him to drive that fast in the first place.

But before she even has a chance to pull on her sneakers, Barney's cell phone rings and it's-

"James!" He says, practically bouncing off the couch. "You're _where_? Dude! Why didn't you say?" He covers the phone with one hand and runs to Robin's bedroom, his words exploding in an almost meaningless stream. "James and Tom are here on a flying visit and are at Mom's right now so we need to go… right NOW!"

She doesn't exactly look pleased about it, but he drags her out of the building and into a cab and a half hour later they're pulling up outside his Mom's. James bursts out of the house, all brashness and wide-smiles, and Sam darts towards them like a little scud missile. He lets the kid go maul Robin at first, because he loves to see the girl squirm, and then he lifts Sam up on to his shoulders and carries him down the path into his Mom's house.

It's hard for Scherbatsky - it must be hard! With his Mom yelling and Tom and James chasing Sam around the living room. She stands in the corner, tentatively removing her coat like she's wondering why in the hell she agreed to this.

Then Tom suggests they drink a toast - to Sam's and Barney's birthdays, which come within a week of each other.

Robin raises an eyebrow. No, she never asked when his birthday was and he's never told. What's the point in celebrating birthdays after you hit twenty-one? Another awesome year, another slightly-less awesome one ahead. Maybe.

And Jesus, when did he become so introspective?

Still, Sam's presents will have to wait until he can make a the trip to see his brother's family because today is about everyone being together. Him, Mom, his brother. Robin.

Later, he overhears his Mom and Robin talking in the kitchen, after he's spent an hour in the garden teaching the kid how to throw a ball. It's crazy that it's left to him. Marriage must have made James's muscles soft as well as his head.

Anyway, he sneaks back inside and dumps the worn-out kid on the couch and stops by the kitchen door when he hears Mom's voice.

"He's a good boy, my Barney," his Mom is saying in a vapid, sing-song voice. He shakes his head. How much has she had to drink?

"Could be a lot better, Mrs Stinson," Robin replies.

"You gonna help him with that, sugar?" His Mom snaps back.

Way to go, Mom!

He can hear Robin shifting awkwardly by the counter before she finally says, "Someone has to, I guess," and she laughs.

His Mom laughs too. Wow - since when has his Mom liked any of his friends? This is a first! "Yes, my dear," she says. "They certainly do."

.


	23. The Perfect Couple

_Episode 24 - The Leap_

**The Perfect Couple**

1. Robin

Robin's not exactly sure how she feels.

Barney's her friend. He's, like, one of her _best_ friends. He's also really good friends with her room-mate, her ex, the guy who pays way over sixty percent of her bills.

Barney's really good friends with her best friend. Lily seems totally invested in some kind of weird, idealised version of "Robin and Barney" that it's scaring her; it's crazy-alien to her.

Barney's also the biggest slut that Robin has _ever_ met. He's the only guy she could ever tell her "total" and he wouldn't blink an eye. In fact, he'd probably demand a list so he could compare his with hers.

He'll cheat on her.

He'll almost certainly, definitely cheat on her.

And if she lets him in, even a little bit, he will literally break her heart. Ted broke her heart so she totally knows what that feels like.

But…

But…

He saw through "The Mosby". Repeatedly.

He's not into commitment.

He's not into tying her down.

(Well, not in that way)

He's sweet, caring and kind. He's smart enough to hide how smart he is and that challenges her.

He makes her laugh. All the time.

And…

And…

He's, like, the most awesome kisser in the whole world, ever.

Aaaaghhh!

2. Barney

Barney knows exactly how he feels. He's in love.

Robin's incredible. She's beautiful, intelligent, funny. For so long he's wanted to tell her, been so desperate to just let it out. Now he has, he has no idea what this means.

So what now? That's the question.

What happens now?

He's going to screw it up.

She's not that into him. He can tell because she's deflecting, defending, manipulating him. He thought Lily was an evil puppet master but _Robin_…

She's said the words "I love you" and not meant it, not even nearly, and that scares the crap out of him. He's spent so long pining for her that he's lost sight of what would happen if she felt anything for him.

He thinks about them together in six month's time, in a year's time, in ten years time, and the bottom drops out of his world.

He's crazy-running-scared.

But…

But…

After everything, after all her lies and all his fear, she kissed him and she held on to him and there was a desperation and a need in that kiss that he's far too adept at reading.

She likes him. Maybe she's a little scared at just how much she likes him. She's scared maybe because she doesn't _love_ him but… for what could make them work, liking him might just be enough.

She may be his last chance at this. Romance for Barney is all about artifice. Romance is an empty promise that sneaks out of the door in the morning. Robin's not romantic, but she's real. She's not a sure thing. In fact, she's the biggest risk he's ever taken; the biggest gamble he's ever made.

And…

And…

He gives them a week before they're back in bed together. And look how that ended last time?

Aaaaghhh!

3. Ted

Ted wishes he knew how he felt.

He watches Barney and he sees "love". He talked to Stella and he saw the same thing in her eyes - not for him, but for Tony. And yeah, love brings problems and yeah, maybe the balance of power shifts unfairly but at least Barney's _sure_. He's got it all figured out. All Barney needs to do is let Robin figure out whether she's in love with him too.

Ted wishes _he_ was sure.

He's contemplating Lily's words. This year… This shitty year… All he's been doing is running from things, running to things, feeling more and more depressed and frantic. Lily's right, it is hurting him more than he'd known.

Funny that it took losing a fight with a female goat to realise that.

Well, not "funny" as in amusing. Although he's pretty sure that he heard Barney and Robin sniggering about it again in her room tonight.

Ted sighs. Barney and Robin.

Marshall and Lily.

Isn't he the one who was supposed to want to meet the woman of his dreams? Isn't he the one who should be snuggling in his bedroom with his honey, instead of being forced to haunt the bars and the clubs just in case he runs into his future wife?

Haaaaave you met Ted?

He thins his lips and sits up straight, pushing himself away from his drafting table. On the floor is a glossy brochure/prospectus for ColumbiaUniversity.

Ted closes his eyes.

When he opens them again he flips through the first few pages, finding two spelling mistakes and five instances of incorrect punctuation.

He's just considering telephoning the admissions board to complain when it hits him. Maybe he should be telephoning the head of the architecture department instead? Maybe he should find out a little more about that job?

He hates that Lily was right.

There are more giggles from Robin's room and Ted rolls his eyes, trudging over to the kitchen to grab a coffee. There are lot of giggles and creaking bed springs but no talking. Eventually those two will have to talk. Surely?

Ted grins.

How else are they going to find out that they're perfect for each other?

The end.


End file.
